Being a Christian

Lately I have been wrestling with "being a Christian." I know...I'm probably not supposed to do that. But I've been wrestling with the while idea of being a "good" Christian and tired of failing to be a "good" Christian and almost wondering if being a "Christian" was right for me cause it didn't seem "to work." After a Facebook chat with Kate , talking with Jason, and finding hope in words heard during Sunday school and in worship music, plus being able to pray again, I decided that I need to be a Christian. But this is the kind of Christian I want to be:

Cry Of My Heart

Lately things inside my heart haven't been so smooth. Things inside my head have been discouraging and tearing me down. I have been failing. I was sharing these thoughts with a friend, and this is the prayer she replied with.

Father,
We cry out for your hand of mercy to heal us. We are weak and we need your love to free us. You are our rock, our strength in weakness. Rescue us. You are our hope and Your promises NEVER fail us. Our desire is to follow You forever. You are so good to us. Forgive us everyday we wake up and aren't blown away by the incredible expanse that is Your love. Our names are written on Your hand and we thank you for this. You are the greatest EVER! May you forgive us for our imperfections, our lack of faith, and our doubts. We thank you for loving us through them, and for remaining faithful even when we don't deserve it. You are Almighty God and we offer up our hearts to you as living sacrifices. Thank you for your perfect peace.

Help us to love you in spite of our human incapacity to understand your perfect love.

Take it all, Lord.

Amen.

On the Inside

Sometimes it looks like I have everything all together, but allow me to let you in on a little secret - I don't. Don't be fooled by how it looks on the outside. I don't try to be fake but sometimes it's just easier not to bring up what goes on inside my head. The secret is: I am insecure.

I change my outfit multiple times, hoping each time that the next outfit will make me look pretty.

I stare hard into the mirror, hoping that I am thin, fit, and beautiful.

I wonder if I'm a good wife.

I don't feel like I'm the woman of God I should be.

I feel very inadequate.

Don't blame my husband, he doesn't do anything to make me feel less beautiful or to feel like less of a wife.

Where these insecurities come from, I'm not sure. But I need help to overcome the lies and rise above myself and instead to fix my eyes on Jesus.

I don't write this to get your sympathy or compliments. I write this to be honest. I want you to see inside my head. I want you to know that I don't have it all together.

The Second Best Week of My Life

I know that a lot of brides are so stressed out they are miserable the week of the wedding. Or some brides have gone of the deep end and just want the wedding to be over with. I did not want to be "one of those" brides. Yes, I know that a lot of work is done this week, people are tired and tensions can be high. But I wanted to embrace it all. I wanted to make the best of it all - so that it was the second best week of my life (the honeymoon should be the best week). And so far it's working!!

Why is it working?

REASON #1: Prayer and time in the Word.

REASON #2: AWESOME HELPERS...

AWESOME HELPER #1 - MY MOM. She should be a wedding planner! Seriously! This wedding is coming together better than I thought it would...and it's largely up to her! She has worked on soo many projects, arranged soo many things, and given ton of her time and energy! I am so thankful for all she's done, and I know this week is going smoothly because of all the work she has done in the weeks before. She has...

Made our awesome favors (This is the sign I made to explain them).

Made our awesome pennant flags... And SO MUCH MORE!!

AWESOME HELPER #2 - My dad. He has surprised me with with the wedding planning business, because he's soo handy and soo willing! We need a dance floor...my dad says he'll build one and finds the wood for free!

We need ladder golf...and he whips not one, but TWO up.

We need hand painted signs...he finds legit barn wood AND offers to paint them!

He has done so much more too!

AWESOME HELPERS - OTHERS. There are TONS of other people who have helped in little or big ways, and everything is soo appreciated. Jason does his fair share, and he is planning ALL of our honeymoon so that I can be surprised! Lucy helped cut a bunch of fabric for us. Darlene made mints. Anna, Whitney, Karen, Rosemary & Corie are helping with decorating projects. Kylie is our day of coordinator...which is a big role. Kate is taking photos and videoing! Peter and Amanda are doing music and being the emcees. Stephanie is making and cutting the cake. The Heges are wonderful hosts to some of our guests, as well as helping on the actual wedding day. We have guys for a parking crew and guys for a tear down crew. Britten is painting our nails and Brandi is doing a spa night for the girls. My grandparents have helped with little projects and my grandma is hosting a bridal breakfast for us! The list goes on and on.

REASON #3: FOUR DAYS OF HAVING A GOOD TIME!!

Tonight kicks it all off... Tonight is a "spa night" for the girls and I. We our getting our nails painted, having snacks, and "pedi-soaks."

Thurdsay - bridal breakfast and my bachelorette!!

Friday - the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner!!

Saturday - THE WEDDING!!

It's all a blast! I'm soo excited and so thrilled to become Jason's wife!!

Roll with the Punches

There's been a lot of that lately - just rolling with the punches... Or the other way I like to look at it is - there's nothing God can't handle.

This week, and especially Saturday, was one of those "just roll with it" kinda weeks. Early in the week we suddenly found out some interesting information from the managers at our wedding location. There were new fees, policies, and they seemed less than excited about the number (165) of our guest list, when previously they had seemed welcoming and willing. Um, hello!! 16 before the wedding is NOT a good time to surprise us! My mom and I were pretty anxious, but I was trying to just roll with it. We feared they were getting "cold feet" and might close the doors completely...but we tried not to think about it. My dad called, they didn't answer or call back. My dad emailed, they didn't email back. Then on Thursday night at 10pm, they finally called back. It was a quick phone call. He said everything was great, nothing was changed, everything was a go. WHAT?! How could it go from being so bad to perfectly fine?? I'm still not even sure, but I do know that nothing happens that God can't handle!

Then on Saturday I was supposed to get my nails done at 8am, run errands and go to the bank at 10am, get my hair done from 11-12, and be at my bridal photo shoot by 1pm. I get to the clinic, where Britten was gonna do my nails, and Heidi is also working as the second receptionist. Well the first receptionist is suddenly very sick and has to go to the hospital, leaving Heidi alone. I tried to pitch in a bit, but I had places to be, so I couldn't stay long. The clinic doesn't close till 12 on Saturdays, and Heidi was supposed to help me get ready for the photo shoot. Now being the only one, chances were slim she'd get out in time to help. On my way back to get my hair done I get a phone call from them moving my appointment back 15 minutes. So I just pop over to help Heidi again at the clinic. I also call and move my photo shoot back 30 mins because I know there is no way we will now get there one time. I finally head to get my hair done, and then go back to the clinic to help Heidi finish up. We scramble to go as fast as we can, rush home, lace up my dress and get in the car, already late for my moved back photo shoot. I put my make-up on in the car! Thankfully my photographer is gracious and the weather also cooperated (the hour and a half of my photo shoot was the nicest weather all day!) I had a blast, felt so pretty, and really felt like a "bride." Although a lot of things happened that day that could have been extremely stressful, I was telling Heidi how you have to stay positive and "just roll with it," since the only thing you can control is your reaction or attitude to circumstances. I actually enjoyed the day, even though it was crazy!

I'm thankful to God for being in control and for already blessing our marriage. I'm thankful to Heidi for being tough and rocking the receptionist roll AND the maid of honor roll! I'm thankful to Britten for doing my nails...they look so awesome! I'm thankful to Krista for doing my hair...her suggestions and adaptations made my "bride look" better than I ever pictured! And I'm thankful to Jess and Booba for the fun time taking pictures!

Less than two more weeks!!!

Half Empty or Half Full?

I'd like to look at this situation as half-empty, especially since my tank is empty. Well it was last night anyway. In fact, if I'd have written this post last night like I planned, it definitely would have been hard to be half-full. But now, after a night of rest and recovery and encouragement from my friends, I can be half full. So here it is:

The good news -


I ran the farthest I've ever run! 3 hours and 5 minutes! A rough estimate of 20 miles!

The bad news -

It was stinkin hard. Stinking hard. My body aches so bad today. It makes me question whether or not I can run 6 more miles. My dad is also faster than me. Ya. Faster. That's hard to swallow... :)

So anyway. I was pretty discouraged about the run...and being totally exhausted mentally and physically, I was empty and wanted to look at the situation in a pessimistic way. But I think I'll be optimistic, because you know what? I'm still alive. And I'll only have to run it once.

Thank you God, for giving me legs to run!

CU* L8r

*pun intended

It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I am done here, at Corban University. I've been to my last chapel, my last meal at Aramark (our dining hall), my last class. I've run repeats up Schimmel hill and gone to 6am morning weights for the last time. I've worked my last shift at the gym and tutored for the last time. After two great years, God is calling me elsewhere in life. And I sure won't complain! I'm super excited to be the wife of Jason Paul Koemans and to pursue God and ministry together!!

This is what I probably won't miss about being at CU:

- 6am workout classes

- cafeteria food (minus the dessert!!)

- dorm life. not that it's terrible, it's just not my favorite thing, especially when all my friends are off- campus or in different states

- dirty pop music in the bathroom

- laundry only on certain days

- searching everywhere for a private space to make phone call

- not having any space that's truly just mine

- 5hr shifts at the gym, leaving no time for homework and no chance at a good bedtime

- eating alone in the cafeteria for 70% of my meals

- being 18hrs away from the love of my life

- the lonely and sometimes dark walk uphill from dinner to my room at night

- hours and hours and hours and hours of homework and studying

- only seeing my family over skype

- a gross & messy shared kitchen

This is what I probably will miss:

- friendly mail-room ladies, and the excitement of getting mail

- chapel 3 times a week

- rooming with Kate Tracy

- collegiate running

- the team, especially the distance crew...I'm gonna miss them a lot.

- Aramark dessert

- studying at coffee shops, especially Broadway, Ike, and Clockworks

- running at Bush Park

- the sunsets

- the green grass all.year.long

- the rain

- the flowers

- the professors, especially Shannon Simmons and Anne Jeffers

- Trader Joe's & Fred Meyer

- Sweet Papaya's frozen yogurt

- staying at the Fanny House (where Mel and Courtney lived)

- Mel, Courtney, Christi, Amy, and JenJen

- running and talking with the distance girls

- steeplechase

Regardless of missing this and not missing that, I am so looking forward to the next chapter of my life!!!!! Marriage!!

Did you figure out the pun?

Track Record*

*pun intended

"I believe that God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast.

When I run, I feel His pleasure."

Eric Liddell

Here's the scoop on my track season, since I haven't really blogged much about it!

3/5/2011 Linfield Icebreaker, McMinnville Oregon:

3k steeplechase, 13:00, 2/2

3/17/2011 Charles Bowles Springbreak Classic, Salem Oregon:

5k, 19:52.2, 2/3

*This was the first time I'd ever broke 20 minutes in a 5k!! I've been praying for that since my senior year of high-school. Praise God!

3/26/2011 Club Northwest Invitational, Seattle Washington:

3k steeplechase, 12:40.2, 3/3

4/1/2011 Willamette Invitational (Celebration of Distance), Salem Oregon:

3k steeplechase, 12:13.51, 5/6

*This is a season and career PR for me! I also broke our school record by more than 6 seconds! That race also put me at second in the conference, although now I'm more like 5th. I was really needing a solid steeple race, as my first two of the season had been significantly slower than last year.

4/8/2011 Northwest Relays, Oregon City Oregon:

open 3k (without steeples), 11:20.92, 1/9

*Again, I broke the school record, this time in the open 3k and by only 2 seconds!

4/16/2011 Lewis & Clark Invitational, Portland Oregon:

3k steeplechase, 12:30.2, 3/7

*My dad and two sisters got to see this race!

4/29-30/2011 Pacific Twilight, Forest Grove Oregon:

1500m, 5:18.00 35/44 (3rd in my heat though!)

*Last year I ran 5:19 in 3 times in a row for the 1500m. I really wanted a PR in this race. I got it, but only by one second...........

5k, 19:55.11 33/39

*I was hoping for a PR in the 5k, but I'm still happy that I broke 20 again!

Conference is May 12-14, and I race steeplechase on the 13th! I'm looking forward to this race a lot! My dad, grandparents, and Jason will be there. I have some great goals and plan to go all out! I will keep you posted, and hopefully will get pictures soon!

Did you figure out the pun?

How Can I Remain Silent?

This morning I went to an Easter sunrise service at Willamette's stadium! And right now I'm standing in my friend Mel's kitchen, waiting for the resurrection rolls to get out of the oven!

The service was great! This sweet lady named Doris, who reminded me (in looks and actions) of my Grandmommy, sat next to me during the service. It was chilly and I had only a sweater, so she pressed close against my shoulder to keep my left side warmer. I let her borrow my Bible when she asked, which thought was the sweetest thing. I took sermon notes (like always) and she thought that was very cool. She was so excited about the sermon and the resurrection that she kept whispering to me and she wanted to stand up and shout and dance! She was so precious and sweet!

The sermon was great. Rev. David Thommen preached about our response to the resurrection from Mark's account (chapter 16). He said the account was not just to inform us, but to compel us as well. The resurrection of Christ is the greatest news imaginable! The resurrection is significant because of several reasons, these just being some:

- 1 Peter 1:3 ensures new birth

- Rom 4 ensures justification

- Rom 6 ensures our sanctification (being made holy)

- 1 Cor 15 ensures our future bodily resurrection

- Rom 8 ensures a new creation (new earth)

Our response should be two-fold:

1) the resurrection account demands belief (it's a historical fact, recorded with eye-witnesses and time and place markers!)

2) action: go and tell!

How can we be silent about this? What will you do?

I also never got to post anything on Good Friday. I thought I'd just post little bits of songs and verses that stood out to me from the two services (one chapel and one church) I attended.

"For it is in our sin that God encounters us. God is God of the broken."

"Your cross has placed in me my worth"

"Unlimited mercy"

"Because of grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed"

"As a result He brought you into His own presence and you are holy and blameless as you stand before Him - without single fault." Colossians 1:22

"Forever my love, forever my heart, forever my life is Yours"

"I was carried to the table, seated where I don't belong. And I was swept away by His love. I don't see my brokenness anymore, when I'm seated at the table of the Lord!"

He is risen!!

What is your response?

1 Peter 1:18-19

For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.

Good Things.

Even when there's stressful things and tough things... I can still confidently say this:

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord, may I never forget the good things He does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagles..." Psalm 103:1-5

This whole Psalm is soooo good! I think it just might be my favorite =)

Lord, help me to always remember the good things You've done for me. Open my eyes to see "good things" in each and every day. They're always there, because You ONLY give good things. I just need help seeing them sometimes, especially on really "bad" days. I'm so thankful for the good things You've given me. You've spoiled me, given me way more than I deserve! Thank you for my great running buddies and friends here at Corban, Mel, Courtney, Christi, and Amy. Thank you for my family. Thank you for Jason. Thank you for the really pretty cherry blossom trees! Thank you for this successful track season! Thank you for life. You are so good. Help me to say that regardless of the day or season of my life.

Hello World

Heyya I'm kinda back! The break was good for me. So good. Even though I took a break from the Internet, I still found myself just as busy. And I'm not gonna lie, I did cheat a few times here and there, but not too much. I don't know how I got everything done before though! I definitely will be keeping my time online to a minimum, and keeping it to task oriented things. and making sure it's after my homework and time with God. I did miss blogging a lot though. It's such a great way for me to connect with people and share my thoughts. Plus I look at it as a journal of sorts!

Sometimes though, I think about giving it all up completely. Especially after reading this article in Reader's Digest about modern technology and how addicting it is, and about how it can add but also take away from your life. The family in the article gave up all technology for 6 months!! I think they still had landlines or limited cell phone use, and the kids could go to the library to do homework (and thus use the Internet there). Sometimes I think I should at least do that. But also I don't really want to (smile). Maybe I'll just participate in periodic "24 hr technology fasts." And I'm definitely going to be more aware of my cell phone time, for example not using it at the dinner table and keeping it very limited when I'm with people. I also want to make sure my Internet time is task centered and not put before God or homework, etc.

Life has been good in these days. I have a lot I want to post about! But right now I'd better go to bed. It's my last night before going back to school. It's going to get even worse (as in busier and more stressful) from here on out though. I'm very anxious about it! For example, next week on Monday and Tuesday I have track and then work from 6-11pm, Wednesday I have track and then youth group from 6-9:30pm, and Thursday I have track and then Alethea's bachelorette party at 6pm. Mind you I also have to get up at 6am 4 mornings a week. Plus I have two tests, a paper, an outline, and other small assignments due. And I have bigger tests and assignments coming up! It's gonna be a tough 6 weeks of school. But God is good and faithful.

Hopefully I'll get to blog more later.

Rearrange.

If you see the prayer in the post below, you might wonder what exactly made the prayer have such an impact that it was blog-worthy. Well you see, my goal this semester was to pour more of myself into fewer things. At the beginning of the semester I began praying for God's direction in which classes to take or not to take and which Bible studies to attend or not attend.

I ended up dropping a class and now am taking only 15 credits, but 2 come from athletic classes that don't involve any homework. I chose to attend my hall Bible study, and nothing else. On top of that I still have Riot, which is the youth group I'm a small group leader at and it meets Wednesday and Sunday. I have my attempts at cultivating a community and friendship within my hall. I also have my job at the gym, which is 5 hours every Tuesday. And I have track which is 11x a week. And I'm planning a wedding.

Looking at that list, you might think, "Lauren, that doesn't look like 'few' things to me." Oh believe me, it's few compared to what I usually do. And I had a great handle on things for the first two weeks. God had really refreshed my attitude, as you might remember from attempted recap in this post. I had time.

Then the homework load hit full force. Wedding planning brings easy distraction. Track leaves me exhausted. Finances are always a pressure, as money seems to disappear faster than I can make it! The newest coach on our team who had given me great hopes and expectations for steeplechase, suddenly quit. Each day brought other minor stresses that I stopped being able to handle with strength.

I spend every minute of my day running (literally), doing homework, and filling any gaps with wedding "planning" (aka: looking at wedding blogs). My time with God was becoming less and less, leaving me vulnerable for the attack of Satan. Oh I was still very good at praying, but hardly ever for myself. I was praying a lot though for the girls in my hall, the girls in my youth group, Jason, my best friends, my family, and the unsaved close to me. But rarely for the true, deep needs of my soul or for my own burdens.

This overload-within-my-attempt-at-minimizing my commitments was wearing me very thin. This overload was the reason I felt the need to post these lyrics. Lack of sleep because of 6am practice 4xs a week made it worse. Little time with God made it worse.

Smack in the middle of this overload, came yet another request for ministry. My RD (resident director) Jen emailed me this:

"I have a freshman who needs to move to a different room. She has anxiety issues and would prefer not to live alone but her current situation isn’t a good fit for her. I’d like an upperclassmen…and you all have your own rooms. I’m hoping to decide this tonight. I’m also hoping that God would lay it on one of your hearts to be open to this opportunity. I’ll probably come try to find you to talk with you..."

I kinda thought about it but didn't even pray about it because I figured one of the other two upperclassmen girls would say yes. But when I met with Jen the next day, I found out the other two had said no right off the bat. It was left to me now. Jen and I talked and I talked with my dad and Jen and I talked some more. Then I spent some time praying (and crying) and went to practice.... {pause}

Everything in me wanted to say no. I loved having my own room for so many reasons. It had been really good for me to have my own room. I wasn't ready to share this space again. I was already overloaded and stressed I didn't want to add another thing.

On top of that, I didn't know this girl at all. She lives upstairs in my own dorm, but I didn't even recognize her name. It'd be easier to consider rooming with her if I knew her and could say, "Ya, I think our personalities would work, I'll try this." or "No, there's no way we could get along. I can't add this to my ministry and work right now." But I didn't even know her.

But I had the other half of my heart, the half God had captivated with the idea of ministry and outreach and grace and compassion. The half that loves to tackle any challenge and wants to be invincible. This half of my heart wouldn't let me just say no. So I didn't say anything. It can be so hard to decide what ministry to take and what to leave behind. I joked with Jen that God needed to send me a text and then I prayed (and cried) and went to practice, hoping I wouldn't ever have to say yes.

{press play} On the way back from practice I got my text from God, well actually it was from Jen. It said she was 90% sure this girl needed to be with me and that she was asking me to step up. My heart dropped. God why do you have to make me do hard things?! Why did you make me a nice person?! (JK) But I knew I had to do it.

I met her last night. I don't think it'll be as hard as I originally thought (granted I was prepared for the worst). It won't be like rooming with Kate, a lifetime best friend. And it'll take work and adjustment. I'll have to rearrange a lot of things... She's moving in this weekend sometime. I'm anxious and slightly overwhelmed. But I'm going to tackle it and the rest of my overwhelmed life.

Actually all that, above, was just the background for the real reason I'm blogging past midnight when I should be sleeping. Besides the fact that I just needed to get all that off my chest and written down, it's also to say I'm doing more than rearranging my room. I'm rearranging my priorities. Look at this sentence: "But I'm going to tackle it." I'm going to spend from now until Spring Break rewriting that sentence until it looks like this: "God is going to work through me to tackle it."

That's precisely where the true meaning for the title, "Rearrange," comes in. I was thinking about my time and how I don't have much of it. I was thinking about what I need to do with that little time. I was thinking about how I waste that little time and thus don't get to do some of the most important things I should be doing. So I'm rearranging my priorities.

Priority Number One: God. Spending time with God and loving God and being loved by God.

Priority Number Two: Homework and track.

Priority Number Three: Relationships.

Priority Number Four: REAL wedding planning. Productive wedding planning. Not eating up time on wedding blogs.

Obviously this list isn't set in stone. There are times when I have to use good judgement and put relationships above homework and track, especially when it comes to Jason, my family, and best friends. Also, as a disclaimer, Jesus is my number One and Jason is my number Two.

In order to accomplish this, I need to eliminate some distractions and unproductive uses of my limited time, which means, until Spring Break, you will not hear from me on this blog. I'm eliminating all non-school related internet, with the exception of:

- Kate T's and Kate G's blog (because they are out of the country and that is one of the ways I maintain relationship with them, as we can't text/call)

- specific wedding projects, in their proper timing

Again, my purpose in this is to spend more quality time with God, with the relationships He has put in my life, with my homework, and with track.

I will see you all in March!

Psalm 142:2-3 (NLT) "I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path."

A special note to finally conclude this book post: I am so thankful for the community God has put me in and the ways He supports and refreshes me. Jason has been trying so hard to learn the best ways to love and encourage me when I am stretched to the point of breaking. He's the one who receives the worst side of me amidst all this, yet he just tries to learn to love me more. And Heidi. She is wise. I love my sister and I love that we can encourage each other! My mom does so much to help with wedding planning...if I had to do everything she's worked on plus what I already do...I don't even want to go there! My dad prays for me daily and offers sound advice. There are countless other little ways within each day God uses to refresh me. A recovery run with my track girlies where we laugh and share our stories. An encouragement note in my mailbox. Someone who wants to pray over me. Countless ways. God is always speaking and working, even if I'm not hearing and seeing Him, until I look back or make the time to look and listen.

Bridal Boot Camp!!

I am even getting paid to go through this bridal boot camp! Here's what week 2 (aka this week) should end up looking like (as long as I estimated correctly, coaches don't change their mind, and there are no injuries, no inclement weather, and the rapture doesn't happen):

Track: running every Tues, Thurs, Fri morning at 6:15 plus running every day (afternoon) of the week, Sunday-Saturday. I should accumulate approximately 44 miles.

Pilates: every Monday and Wednesday for 45 minutes. (although she unfortunately canceled class this Monday)

Morning weights: every Wednesday at 6:15am for 1 hour. Technically I need to find a way to lift weights two more times, and still do homework, and still sleep, and still run 10 times a week, and still do pilates twice. I'm still working on fitting those two more times in!

In the words of my track teammate Christi, "This will be an exciting week! We will either die or be beasts!"

Bring on the boot camp!

PS: you can pray that my body will hold up and that I'll be able to use my time efficiently in order to maximize Jesus time, homework time, and sleep time! Thanks!

So Much To Learn

We should learn a lot from African Americans. They have been discriminated against. They have been treated like possessions - treated in horrible, disgusting, awful ways. But look at how they act! They are so unashamed of their faith in Christ. They truly and honestly worship without abandon. They are grateful for salvation and humbled by His grace. They are zealous for God. They have been horrible oppressed yet they remain joyful. They are demonstrative and spirited. They are willing to serve. They know how to submit and walk humbly yet they also know when to be courageous and stand up for their rights. They defend God's honor. They value human life. Their demonstrations and passive resistance are based on love and in defense of God's honor and humanity. They want people to learn to quit worrying about WHO someone is and instead worry that they are a HUMAN BEING. The Civil Rights movement demanded that people get out of their comfort zone and love regardless. I need to learn from this. America (aka: Caucasian Americans) needs to learn from this.


Standing before me in chapel today was an African American man who had experienced the cruelties of racism. Yet here he is telling me that regardless, you have to choose to love people. He said, "You can spit in my face but I'm gonna love you anyway." This man has been abused and misused because of the color of his skin, yet he tells me he has to chose to love those people anyway! Who am I - living a plush, secure, life, to refuse to love anyone? No one has wronged me in the ways this race has been wronged! They love. Yet I am reluctant. I put up requirements before I give out my love. You have to look a certain way and do certain things before I give out my love. This doesn't make sense! I need to learn from this. America needs to learn from this.


Do everything you can to be the body language of Christ.

To Love and To Choose

There were many titles for this post bouncing around in my head.  "Deja Vu"..."The Worst Road Trip Ever"..."I Think I Can I Think I Can"..."I Think I Can't"...

Then chapel yesterday really changed my mind. It was a dedication chapel and we were challenged to think about something God has been putting on our hearts and then dedicate this semester to pursuing it. I immediately knew one big thing, it's something I heard at church on Sunday: "Don't try to be good. Just fall in love with God." I am such a doer. I always have lists and goals and things I need to do to be good. Don't get me wrong, I love God. But I tend to be too much of a Martha. Ever since I heard those words on Sunday they stuck with me, and they're really freeing actually! How much "easier" is it to fall in love than it is to "be good"?! So I'm going to stop trying and stop doing and I'm simply going to fall in love. Love. Simply love. Simply be loved. Be filled. Not do. Be.

The other dedication I made was to choose. The idea that my attitude/response is my choice regardless of the external circumstances has come up a lot lately. Our Saving Your Marriage books said, "Choose your attitude by changing your self-talk." The next chapter was about choosing to view things in their best light. So I have decided to choose happiness. To choose to see things in their best light. To chose the benefit of the doubt. To choose thankfulness. To choose to trust God. 

To love and to choose, that is my dedication.

These weren't easy decisions to come to. Everything in me wanted to be lonely. To complain. To feel inadequate. To do things. To be there (July 30, 2011) not here. I was not looking forward to any more time away from Jason. I tried to pep-talk myself with "I Think I Can I Think I Can", but then that turned into "I Think I Can't." I was missing him so much and I didn't want to admit that I should be looking forward to conquering this last semester apart!! Being reminded that my self-talk will choose my attitude, I tried to turn those thoughts around. I knew I'd only be more miserable if I didn't choose happiness and choose to see things in the best light.

I was not looking forward to the loneliness I'd be faced with, because not only am I away from Jason and my family, but my roommate is in Germany so I have my own room, all my close friends life off campus, and our hall is not very close. The "Deja Vu" title was because I feel like a freshman again - not knowing anyone and having to make friends. I was not looking forward to trying to make new/more friends because I'm not good at it. But God showed up. One of my "little sisters" in the hall left me an encouraging note. A few other girls wanted me to go to lunch at our dining hall with them. At dinner I was prepared to sit alone but then another girl invited me to sit with her. One of my off-campus friends, Courtney, was able to come here and we went running. Another off-campus friend, Mel, came by quick to say hi. I wanted to be stubborn and stay lonely. I wanted my friends, not new friends. But I had to admit, God showed up and met my loneliness.

My road trip here was one of those trips where you couldn't sleep the night before, were exhausted and sleepy driving 9 hours, and where everything took longer than it should have. But guess what? God showed up. After taking two hours to get from the outskirts of Portland in rush-hour traffic to Corie's house, she said I could just spend the night! So instead of getting back to Corban and facing the lonely-flu (I already had the symptoms), I got to spend the night with her talking and watching the Bachelor.

So I've made this dedication to love and to choose. Hold me to it. Evaluate my posts and if needed, remind me to choose to view things in the best light. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to experience and enjoy in my time right here and now. There are exciting classes for me to take that will prepare me for being a certified personal trainer. There are the girls at youth group that I'm leading and discipling (that's a whole other post...that's where I feel inadequate sometimes). There are my close friends to go visit at their houses/apartments. There are new/more friends to make. There are challenges and ways to grow. There is my track season. There is so much here for me right now. Jason and I can grow and fall more in love. I can spend even more time with God. 

I want to soak it all up and live with no regrets. I only get each day once.

Deep Breath.

Finals. Are a lot of work. A lot of stress. A lot of coffee. Not a lot of sleep.


But I'll be home soon. And one semester closer to taking a break from school and enjoying my new role as a wife!

Goals.

for this week 11/07-11/13.


* pray daily about who God wants me to reach that day
* practice a gentle tongue
* pick a verse and memorize it
* redirect judgmental/critical thoughts to something positive


* be disciplined - don't waste time


* call Heidi
* call Kylie
* skype family
* write encouragement notes to my dorm "sisters"


* do abs daily
* lift weights 3xs this week
* start hip exercises
* cleanse - physically/nutritionally (don't eat animal products, things with gluten, preservatives, caffeine, or added sugar) and spiritually (no blog/non-school computer time the rest of the week, only Christian music/books, avoid "secular/worldly" influences...)

2010 Cross Country Championships - Klamath Falls Oregon...and the preparation for it...

On Wednesday in my devotion, I was inspired with the verse Hebrews 12:1, "Let us run the race that is before us and never give up."


On Friday night, sitting on the hotel floor in Klamath Falls, my prayer was, "God please take my body that I feel is fat and slow and broken, and my mind that is weak and feeble, and make them into something beautiful for You. That's all I have God - my weak and insufficient self. It's my sacrifice for You - it's for You to have for Your glory. Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee. God I trust You. Blow me away."


On Saturday morning, during our pre-race warm up, my prayers/thoughts echoed the words of a Relient K song ("For the Moments I Feel Faint"). "I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can I think You can... Gather my insufficiencies and place them in Your hands..."


Now, I'm wrestling with being ok with my race and with understanding/accepting that everything happens for His glory and for His purpose. But I still wrestle with seeing His plan and purpose in all of this... I ran the slowest race of my season and possibly my career. I placed 7th on my team instead of in the top 5. I was beat by two girls who hadn't consistently run cross-country until this season, which was hard to take because cross-country has been "my thing" since my sophomore year in high school. (But I'm proud of them - they had amazing races!) My legs absolutely died. My calves were on fire. I wanted to collapse half way through. Yes, this is a very tough course will lots of hills and higher elevation. But no excuses. None of that should have happened. I thought I was so ready. I wrestle with defining "my best" when there is no quantitative proof, only subjective qualitative questions such as "well did you feel like your ran your hardest?" The thing is, I don't know. There's always the "what if I could've ran faster. What if I could've pushed more. What if..." Without the concrete evidence of a personal record time-wise, I don't know how to judge whether or not it was my best. Our team, which was ranked 6th coming into conference, placed 8th (out of 9 teams). Very discouraging. Very disappointing. A very tough way to end my collegiate cross-country career. I'm really unresolved about it. I don't understand why it ended so badly. It's hard to accept. But I must, somehow. Because it happened. And I need to let it change me for the better, somehow.


Even though I'm still wrestling with acceptance and almost cry every time I think about the race, I know God's plans are perfect. God's plans are greater. And that life goes on. New chapters, new "races" are ahead of me. In the immediate, athletic future, is my track season. Bring on the 5k and steeplechase. I will give my best. I will train hard this off-season. I will pursue breaking 20 minutes on the track in a 5k, even though I don't enjoy running 12 laps around a track. And in the metaphoric way, I will pursue this new "race" with Jason, as we enter into marriage in 265 days. Life goes on. A very good life. I'm so blessed!

Goals.

Devotion.

Worship.

Self-discipline.

Eat right.

Thrift.

Workout.

Thank.

Invest.

Warner Pacific Invitational, Portland OR

Oh, and I suppose I should also just throw this out there. On Saturday (16th) I finally got a PR. Yep that's right! I ran a 20:16 5k, which is a 4 second PR! Praise God. That was our last race before conference!