2010 Cross Country Championships - Klamath Falls Oregon...and the preparation for it...

On Wednesday in my devotion, I was inspired with the verse Hebrews 12:1, "Let us run the race that is before us and never give up."


On Friday night, sitting on the hotel floor in Klamath Falls, my prayer was, "God please take my body that I feel is fat and slow and broken, and my mind that is weak and feeble, and make them into something beautiful for You. That's all I have God - my weak and insufficient self. It's my sacrifice for You - it's for You to have for Your glory. Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee. God I trust You. Blow me away."


On Saturday morning, during our pre-race warm up, my prayers/thoughts echoed the words of a Relient K song ("For the Moments I Feel Faint"). "I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can I think You can... Gather my insufficiencies and place them in Your hands..."


Now, I'm wrestling with being ok with my race and with understanding/accepting that everything happens for His glory and for His purpose. But I still wrestle with seeing His plan and purpose in all of this... I ran the slowest race of my season and possibly my career. I placed 7th on my team instead of in the top 5. I was beat by two girls who hadn't consistently run cross-country until this season, which was hard to take because cross-country has been "my thing" since my sophomore year in high school. (But I'm proud of them - they had amazing races!) My legs absolutely died. My calves were on fire. I wanted to collapse half way through. Yes, this is a very tough course will lots of hills and higher elevation. But no excuses. None of that should have happened. I thought I was so ready. I wrestle with defining "my best" when there is no quantitative proof, only subjective qualitative questions such as "well did you feel like your ran your hardest?" The thing is, I don't know. There's always the "what if I could've ran faster. What if I could've pushed more. What if..." Without the concrete evidence of a personal record time-wise, I don't know how to judge whether or not it was my best. Our team, which was ranked 6th coming into conference, placed 8th (out of 9 teams). Very discouraging. Very disappointing. A very tough way to end my collegiate cross-country career. I'm really unresolved about it. I don't understand why it ended so badly. It's hard to accept. But I must, somehow. Because it happened. And I need to let it change me for the better, somehow.


Even though I'm still wrestling with acceptance and almost cry every time I think about the race, I know God's plans are perfect. God's plans are greater. And that life goes on. New chapters, new "races" are ahead of me. In the immediate, athletic future, is my track season. Bring on the 5k and steeplechase. I will give my best. I will train hard this off-season. I will pursue breaking 20 minutes on the track in a 5k, even though I don't enjoy running 12 laps around a track. And in the metaphoric way, I will pursue this new "race" with Jason, as we enter into marriage in 265 days. Life goes on. A very good life. I'm so blessed!