Lyrics Say It Better

"I don't know how I got to where I am... All I know is I wanna go back to the moment I fell in love with grace, and hear You whisper, 'Hang on hang on I know your hope seems gone. Hang on hang on sometimes the heartache makes you strong...'"

"Jesus take this heart that feels so cold again and make it new. I hold this hope inside that You'll never leave me... All I want is for Your love to hold me..."

"Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. You will find your way if you keep believing."

"When you are grounded by your doubt, when you're surrounded and there is no other way out, I will be all that you need and I'm here for the asking. Let Me be your everything... Look at all that I will bring in exchange for what you have; let Me be your everything."

"You said You'd never leave or forsake me. Then You said this life is gonna shake me. Then You said this world is gonna be trouble to my soul. This i know; when everything falls apart Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart."

"I've never felt so torn before; seems I don't know where to start. But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain from every fingertip washing away my pain. I still believe in Your faithfulness...even when I don't see I still believe."

"Please be my strength cause I don't have anymore."

"You stay the same through the ages... Your love never changes.... You make, all things, work together for my good."

"Whatever You're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos, but I believe that You're up to something bigger than me."

Memory Bank #2 - Overwhelmed With God's Blessings

Although I still wrestle with not worrying about our financial situation and not having jobs, God has been soo good (of course!) and I know that He will be faithful to provide, because He has been faithful in the past. I have been overwhelmed this summer with an overflow of God's blessing, and I don't ever want to forget that! Plus I want to proclaim God's goodness.

We saw God provide in incredible ways this summer. At the beginning of August we had car trouble with both Jason's Honda and my Ford. Using local, trusted mechanics that my family had gone to for years, we got both taken care of and God provided all the money to cover the $700 of repairs. Then only a week before we moved to Vegas my car was having more issues - it was leaking antifreeze. Our local family mechanics were unavailable, but a family friend in the auto-shop repair business referred me to Dave at Reynold's Radiator. Come to find out, Dave was an old family friend on Jason's side of the family and I received several more very positive referrals to him after my car was already there. He went above and beyond to get the repair taken care of for a very affordable price. He even changed the oil (although they do not normally do that) and while my car was there noticed another problem with the AC but was able to refer that to a mechanic to fix that too. My car was well taken care of by a web of trustworthy mechanics God put in our life and God provided extra money to cover the repairs again.

I love getting an iced americano or iced coffee drink. Since we were trying to spend as little as possible this summer I tried to limit my indulging in coffee drinks. But I had awesome friends like Kylie who would make me a latte after morning Oula workouts and like Mel  and Heidi (also my sister) who would surprise me with coffee at work or take me on a coffee date! They have no clue how much that blessed me! Plus I was able to get several free drinks through coupons, etc.

Our familes, both Cross & Moseley,always go above and beyond to bless us with encouragement, financial assistance, love, and support. They are the best!

Through the generous blessings of our support team, the amount of our rent is covered in monthly donations!

We got the exact apartment we were hoping for at an affordable rate! Our apartment is such a blessing!

The Florence Carlton Community Church blessed Jason with an internship opportunity and really opened their arms to welcome us in to their church. They people of that church are so giving! And Jason's internship was a valuable learning experience.

I was blessed by working for my dad again at Missoula Vet Clinic all summer. Jason was able to get a lot of odd jobs and caddy at the Stockfarm plus be paid for his internship. God really provided opportunities for us to get money.

Once we moved to Las Vegas God kept blowing us away with blessings! Upon move in the Reichert family and Dan was here to help unload and Bethanie and Daryl came with snacks and drinks to unpack. The Reicherts and Thompsons also gave us small, handy things that were very necessary for starting up such as toilet paper, paper towels, dishwasher detergent, hand soap, a frozen casserole, banana bread, water bottles, etc. We felt so blessed by their thoughtfulness!

God is so good and He is so faithful. We are eagerly waiting to see Him continue to provide financially and with jobs!

Spring Break 2012 - Part 3: Conclusion

{continued from where I left off...part 1 and part 2}

Saturday night finished up with dinner at Lolo Creek Steakhouse and included a surprise "party" for Jason's birthday. After the steakhouse, it was my turn to share a devo with the girls. At this point, even after praying since Wednesday, I still hadn't been inspired with what to share. At least I thought... I was expecting to share your typical devo where you read a verse and talk about it, or you talk on a topic...you get the point. Saturday evening though I realized God was showing me what to share - He wanted me to confess. And to admit that I didn't have it all together. So I did. I told the girls about the week and about how I struggled. It was healing!

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" 2 Corinthians 12:9-10


When people ask how the trip went, I tell them it didn't go how I pictured or planned. But I'm so thankful it went the way it did, because God taught me a lot!

{The End...but I will try to post pics eventually!!}

Spring Break 2012 - Part 2: Uphill

{continuing from where I left off...}

The "uphill" climb of this week was never a huge or obvious breakthrough. It came in small ways, most of which I didn't even see until the weeks was over and I was reflecting. 

Starting Wednesday the girls and I did daily devos together. [Now, when I brought up the "devo" idea to the girls, I was dreading having to give one myself. And this is very unusual for me! Usually I love discipleship and sharing from the Word! But not this week. In fact, all week I prayed about what to share...and nothing came. This was all part of the spiritual "funk" I was in.] It was through prayer and devos led by these girls that the "spiritual light" in me began to get brighter. I couldn't do my own devos...but through them I could still be connected to God. The girls and I also prayed a lot, for all sorts of things. The spiritual fellowship I had with them really helped me.

Friday and Saturday were the highlights of the trip. By now I'm steady uphill, but still feeling shaky, as if anything could knock me back down. Jason and I are finally working as a team and being patient, loving, and understanding. 

On Friday we woke up "early" to play re-ball (like paintball) at City Life. That was a blast! Then the guys had to finish a project so us girls went and dropped "prayer bombs" in 5 places over Missoula. Prayer is so powerful, and so critical. Prayer, even when it's not about me or my "issues", inspire me and strengthens me spiritually! It was during our "prayer bombing" that we came across the 40 Days for Life campaign protesting abortion by prayer and had the neat opportunity to pray with them! Friday night we ran a 5k and then went to the movie October Baby - which I highly recommend!

Saturday was our street evangelism day. Our team met at the Break downtown and got off to a late start. But for God's timing, it was a perfect start! Jason and I were partners again. Even though we still weren't 100% spiritually or as a couple, we knew we needed to evangelize. We knew we couldn't "blow it" again. As walked down Higgins we passed by the first couple people without even saying a word. Street evangelism is so hard! But as we got down under the bridge, we prayed and approached a couple. We had a great, natural flowing conversation with them! We got to pray with them and talk about why they were in  Missoula and Jason got to do his rope illustration of sin and grace. They were already believers (of some sort) but it was still a pleasant and successful conversation. Walking away we felt a peace settle over us once more. By some apartments we found another couple out smoking. We walked up and I introduced us and asked if we could pray with them. Becky's face brightened, she really wanted someone to pray with and to encourage her! I sat down next to her and we prayed and talked for a while. She was so happy to have someone to talk about God with. Chris prayed with Jason. Then Jason shared the rope illustration with him, and Chris was "hooked".   Soon I overheard Jason praying again with Chris, this time because Chris wanted a personal relationship with Jesus. After talking together as a foursome, we ran to get my little NLT pocket Bible out of my trunk for Chris. And then we ran back to meet the team, because we were late and they were waiting! We were absolutely ecstatic that God used us, in our weakness, to lead someone to Christ and to encourage another believer!

{to be continued...}

Spring Break 2012 - Part 1: Downhill

Back in the fall, Jason felt like God wanted us to lead a small group (8 others) of students from Frontier to Missoula for a Spring Break Mission Trip. There would be Jason and I, plus 4 guys and 4 girls. The guys stayed at Jason's house in Florence and the girls stayed at my house in Missoula. Our team left Friday March 16 for mission trip that did not go at all how I would have planned or expected... Arriving in Missoula Saturday evening, our first project was scheduled for Sunday. Sunday was the start of things going downhill. I started struggling spiritually in a way I never had before. I knew I couldn't stop believing in God, so it wasn't that I doubted God that week, it was just that the spiritual "light" in me was really really dim. I felt spiritually numb. I couldn't really do a devo or pray, except to pray things like, "God what's going on? If there is any sin/barrier/etc please show me..." Sunday was the first day Jason and I struggled. There were a lot of new experiences for our marriage this week - staying at separate houses for 9 nights, only seeing each other around at least 8 other people, and having to lead something together for the first time. Sunday was when we started having needless conflict about...I don't even know! And usually we are pretty "careful" in our conflict, and try not to have conflict over nothing. But I found myself saying rude and hurtful things, even though I knew they wouldn't help. I found myself telling him, "I don't care anymore!" What?? Where did this come from?? We don't treat each other like that! But those couple days...we did! Sunday was also the day we showed up for our first project...and they didn't even know we were coming and already had something going on. Sunday was the start of a downhill week. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't be a leader or the wife I should be or the "Christian" I should be. Inside my head all I could hear was lies about who I was and it felt like a war going on in my heart....

{to be continued...}

How Can I Remain Silent?

This morning I went to an Easter sunrise service at Willamette's stadium! And right now I'm standing in my friend Mel's kitchen, waiting for the resurrection rolls to get out of the oven!

The service was great! This sweet lady named Doris, who reminded me (in looks and actions) of my Grandmommy, sat next to me during the service. It was chilly and I had only a sweater, so she pressed close against my shoulder to keep my left side warmer. I let her borrow my Bible when she asked, which thought was the sweetest thing. I took sermon notes (like always) and she thought that was very cool. She was so excited about the sermon and the resurrection that she kept whispering to me and she wanted to stand up and shout and dance! She was so precious and sweet!

The sermon was great. Rev. David Thommen preached about our response to the resurrection from Mark's account (chapter 16). He said the account was not just to inform us, but to compel us as well. The resurrection of Christ is the greatest news imaginable! The resurrection is significant because of several reasons, these just being some:

- 1 Peter 1:3 ensures new birth

- Rom 4 ensures justification

- Rom 6 ensures our sanctification (being made holy)

- 1 Cor 15 ensures our future bodily resurrection

- Rom 8 ensures a new creation (new earth)

Our response should be two-fold:

1) the resurrection account demands belief (it's a historical fact, recorded with eye-witnesses and time and place markers!)

2) action: go and tell!

How can we be silent about this? What will you do?

I also never got to post anything on Good Friday. I thought I'd just post little bits of songs and verses that stood out to me from the two services (one chapel and one church) I attended.

"For it is in our sin that God encounters us. God is God of the broken."

"Your cross has placed in me my worth"

"Unlimited mercy"

"Because of grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed"

"As a result He brought you into His own presence and you are holy and blameless as you stand before Him - without single fault." Colossians 1:22

"Forever my love, forever my heart, forever my life is Yours"

"I was carried to the table, seated where I don't belong. And I was swept away by His love. I don't see my brokenness anymore, when I'm seated at the table of the Lord!"

He is risen!!

What is your response?

1 Peter 1:18-19

For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God.

Everyone Who Calls on the Name of the Lord

(This is a long time overdue)

[Intro Story: Almost every Sunday after church, Josie goes down to Pastor Jeff and gives him a hug and maybe a note she wrote him during the sermon]

At church on Sunday, March 13, Pastor Jeff gave altar call after his message. Mom was explaining to Josie about salvation and what Jesus did for us. After church, Josie went down to Pastor Jeff as usual, and she told him that she raised her hand (during the altar call) because she "loves the Lord so much and she loves God and that God made everyone so beautiful and Jesus died on the cross for her sins."

God is doing some great things in her heart!

Good Things.

Even when there's stressful things and tough things... I can still confidently say this:

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord, may I never forget the good things He does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagles..." Psalm 103:1-5

This whole Psalm is soooo good! I think it just might be my favorite =)

Lord, help me to always remember the good things You've done for me. Open my eyes to see "good things" in each and every day. They're always there, because You ONLY give good things. I just need help seeing them sometimes, especially on really "bad" days. I'm so thankful for the good things You've given me. You've spoiled me, given me way more than I deserve! Thank you for my great running buddies and friends here at Corban, Mel, Courtney, Christi, and Amy. Thank you for my family. Thank you for Jason. Thank you for the really pretty cherry blossom trees! Thank you for this successful track season! Thank you for life. You are so good. Help me to say that regardless of the day or season of my life.

Choosing Joy

This was from my Girlfriends in God devotional by Mary Southerland, and I thought it was a great reminder for myself:

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

God promises that if you know Him you will know true joy. Joy is not merely happiness but rather an unshakable confidence that God is in control. Therefore, He is our one and only source of joy and stands ready, waiting to saturate every circumstance with His presence. As His children, joy is ours to claim. If so, then where is it and why do we not experience a sense of confident celebration as we go through each day?

Maybe it is because of the “joy stealers” who lurk in the shadows, waiting to crush joy wherever they find it.
Choosing joy requires us to identify and eliminate the “joy stealers” in life. You may be allowing a person to take your joy. Maybe some painful experience from a shadowed yesterday is an obstacle of joy in your life today. Perhaps a fearful circumstance or a broken dream is the culprit.

I know life can be painful. I know life is often hard and unfair. I also know that God is in control. Therefore, if God really is God (and He definitely is) then we can and should be people of joy. I have read the final chapter of the Book and we win! Nothing and no one can take your joy without your permission. So, don’t give it! Choose joy!

Let’s Pray
Father, forgive me for my shallow attitude about joy. I confess that my version of joy is often nothing more than an emotion or feeling based on current circumstances. Help me fix my eyes on You, the Author and Finisher of my faith. I want to live my life against the backdrop of eternity, exchanging temporary happiness for eternal joy. I pray that I will learn to choose joy in whatever lies ahead.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

The Giver of Good Gifts

James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

Chapel yesterday was a very good an inspiring message about God being the Giver of Good gifts. Of course this is something most of us know in our head, but can forget in our heart. Either that or we don't surrender our timeline to God and we get impatient with His "lack of giving." (Think Abraham and Sarah...using Hagar). Sometimes we don't expect gifts from Him, or we expect them to occur in a different way, so we miss out on the gifts He does give. Sometimes we think we are entitled to more and more and more, and we take for granted the gifts we do have. Sometimes we think we are unworthy of any gift He might give, so we pass up the ones He offers. Pray this week that God will open your eyes to the gifts He has given you and that He wants to give you. Surrender your timeline - after all, this is GOD, the Creator of the Universe, that we're talking about. He has perfect timing.

Something else I think we (or at least I) do, is want gifts that are not good for us. We don't even realize that they're not good, and we get upset with God because we're not getting it. But He only gives us good gifts, and sometimes that means not giving us something we think we want. For example, there is this awesome wedding blog site, WeddingBee. It's a collaboration of blogger brides who get chosen to write about their wedding planning and then recap for about a year or two once they are married. Every so often they have open applications for brides to apply. I love to blog and I love wedding planning, so part of me wanted to apply. I thought it would be something good and it was something I wanted. But I never did apply. Now looking back, I realize how not good it would have been for me to be a wedding-bee blogger. I can barely do homework as it is! I don't need any more distractions. But initially I thought this was something good for me.

As a small piece of evidence of His good gifts, I have an exciting story! (Exciting to me anyway!) Back in December I ordered my info cards from Vistaprint at a steal of a price! I only paid shipping & handling for 100 cards! They turned out beautifully and I was very happy about the look and price! Then over spring break, as we were putting the invitations together, we realized two things: 1) my mom's phone number was wrong on the info cards and 2) one of the hotels we listed was not one we wanted to recommend anymore. Since the cards were so inexpensive to begin with, we though, "No big deal, we'll just reorder." But I ordered the original cards during a special promotion. I waited a few days...but no promotion came. I was getting anxious about having to pay full price for the cards, which would be very disappointing. I began to pray about it. [Side note: something cool from my devo last night -- we are God's children, therefore when things matter to us, they matter to God.] Last night I just felt like I should email the company and explain the situation, just to see if they could give me the promotion. Guess what? This morning in my inbox was an email saying they had added the promotion to my account! Vistaprint is great! God is awesome! [PS: this is my shameless plug for Vistaprint - sign up for their emails so you can be notified of promotions - and order when the price is right! You won't be disappointed with the product for your price!!]

I'm thankful God is the Giver of Good Gifts. I'm praying that throughout this very stressful week, I can keep my eyes open for the good gifts He has for me.

Oh, and one more good gift: tonight a girl took my shift at work!! Now I can get more homework done and hopefully still sleep! Thank you Jesus!

I Hope You Dance

This was an email forward I received from my future mother-in-law. I love things that have to do with dancing. Don't ask me why, I just always have. In these words below, "dancing" becomes a beautiful metaphor. Read on.

Dancing With God

When I meditated on the word Guidance,

I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.

I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.

The movement doesn't flow with the music,

and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,

both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back

or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness,

and attentiveness from one person

and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.

When I saw "G": I thought of God, followed by "u" and "i".

"God, "u" and "i" dance."

God, you, and I dance.

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust

that I would get guidance about my life..

Once again, I became willing to let God lead...

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings

and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday.

May you abide in God, as God abides in you.

Dance together with God, trusting God to lead

and to guide you through each season of your life.

This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached.

There is no cost but a lot of rewards;

so let's continue to pray for one another.

To Love and To Choose

There were many titles for this post bouncing around in my head.  "Deja Vu"..."The Worst Road Trip Ever"..."I Think I Can I Think I Can"..."I Think I Can't"...

Then chapel yesterday really changed my mind. It was a dedication chapel and we were challenged to think about something God has been putting on our hearts and then dedicate this semester to pursuing it. I immediately knew one big thing, it's something I heard at church on Sunday: "Don't try to be good. Just fall in love with God." I am such a doer. I always have lists and goals and things I need to do to be good. Don't get me wrong, I love God. But I tend to be too much of a Martha. Ever since I heard those words on Sunday they stuck with me, and they're really freeing actually! How much "easier" is it to fall in love than it is to "be good"?! So I'm going to stop trying and stop doing and I'm simply going to fall in love. Love. Simply love. Simply be loved. Be filled. Not do. Be.

The other dedication I made was to choose. The idea that my attitude/response is my choice regardless of the external circumstances has come up a lot lately. Our Saving Your Marriage books said, "Choose your attitude by changing your self-talk." The next chapter was about choosing to view things in their best light. So I have decided to choose happiness. To choose to see things in their best light. To chose the benefit of the doubt. To choose thankfulness. To choose to trust God. 

To love and to choose, that is my dedication.

These weren't easy decisions to come to. Everything in me wanted to be lonely. To complain. To feel inadequate. To do things. To be there (July 30, 2011) not here. I was not looking forward to any more time away from Jason. I tried to pep-talk myself with "I Think I Can I Think I Can", but then that turned into "I Think I Can't." I was missing him so much and I didn't want to admit that I should be looking forward to conquering this last semester apart!! Being reminded that my self-talk will choose my attitude, I tried to turn those thoughts around. I knew I'd only be more miserable if I didn't choose happiness and choose to see things in the best light.

I was not looking forward to the loneliness I'd be faced with, because not only am I away from Jason and my family, but my roommate is in Germany so I have my own room, all my close friends life off campus, and our hall is not very close. The "Deja Vu" title was because I feel like a freshman again - not knowing anyone and having to make friends. I was not looking forward to trying to make new/more friends because I'm not good at it. But God showed up. One of my "little sisters" in the hall left me an encouraging note. A few other girls wanted me to go to lunch at our dining hall with them. At dinner I was prepared to sit alone but then another girl invited me to sit with her. One of my off-campus friends, Courtney, was able to come here and we went running. Another off-campus friend, Mel, came by quick to say hi. I wanted to be stubborn and stay lonely. I wanted my friends, not new friends. But I had to admit, God showed up and met my loneliness.

My road trip here was one of those trips where you couldn't sleep the night before, were exhausted and sleepy driving 9 hours, and where everything took longer than it should have. But guess what? God showed up. After taking two hours to get from the outskirts of Portland in rush-hour traffic to Corie's house, she said I could just spend the night! So instead of getting back to Corban and facing the lonely-flu (I already had the symptoms), I got to spend the night with her talking and watching the Bachelor.

So I've made this dedication to love and to choose. Hold me to it. Evaluate my posts and if needed, remind me to choose to view things in the best light. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to experience and enjoy in my time right here and now. There are exciting classes for me to take that will prepare me for being a certified personal trainer. There are the girls at youth group that I'm leading and discipling (that's a whole other post...that's where I feel inadequate sometimes). There are my close friends to go visit at their houses/apartments. There are new/more friends to make. There are challenges and ways to grow. There is my track season. There is so much here for me right now. Jason and I can grow and fall more in love. I can spend even more time with God. 

I want to soak it all up and live with no regrets. I only get each day once.

Hypothetical "Sermon-ette" From God*

"Can anything make me stop loving you?" God asks. "Watch Me speak you language, sleep on your earth and feel your hurts. Behold the Maker of sight and sound as He sneezes, coughs, and blows His nose. 

You wonder if I understand how you feel? Look into the dancing eyes of the kid in Nazareth; that's God walking to school. Ponder the toddler at Mary's table; that's God spilling His milk. 

You wonder how long my love will last? Find your answer on a splintered cross, on a craggy hill. That's Me you see up there, your Maker, your God, nail-stabbed and bleeding. Covered in spit and sin-soaked. 

That's your sin I'm feeling. That's your death I'm dying. That's your resurrection I'm living. That's how much I love you."

*as written by Max Lucado in Grace for the Moment Vol 1 pg 391.

My Heart Is Bursting.

(sorry it's another long one!)
My heart is so full of emotions right now. It's incredible! It's exciting! Most of them are wonderful. There is so much God is doing to my heart, I don't know how I'll ever be able to put it all into words! But I'll try.

Today has been a good day. Really good. And it shouldn't have been, because yesterday I was awake for 21 hours! Mondays are long days beginning at 5:50am, including 4 classes, a long run for practice, and meetings from 10-11:30pm. That's just the expected stuff. There's always unexpected things, like a wonderful, deep conversation with your fiancé. Or accidentally reading the wrong homework assignment so having to read twice as much. Or the girl on your XC team who needs someone to talk to and encourage her. You get the picture. I was up until 2am. But it was great. And today has been great.

I'm really excited about the things I learned today in classes. In World Thought we're studying the rise of Buddhism and Christianity. Our textbook is secular, so it's very intriguing to see my "religion" presented from the ears of the critical world. I could go into lots of detail about this. I hope I have time later to post something about it, but we'll see. Also it's just interesting to look at other religions in depth...

In my Bible Study Methods class we talked about "Bible transmission," basically meaning we answered the skeptic question held by many - how can we trust the Bible? I've been asked that before, and I know in my head why I trust the Bible but never had sufficient information to even try to present a solid argument. Now I do! Again, I could spend a whole post breaking this down, and I hope to...sometime!

Even Psychology, which normally is overwhelming and just drowns you in so much information that you can't process or understand any of it, was not that way today! I absorbed a lot of the information presented about motivation and emotion and it made sense! That excites me and makes me happy!!

I've decided that God is definitely calling me to be a small group leader at Morning Star. This is where a bit of the "negative" emotion comes in, because I'm still a bit scared/intimidated and worried about giving up my control of time. But I'm beginning to get really excited and passionate about it! I'm actually looking forward to Wednesday night! And it's been really cool to see God working in all of this. It all started a couple Sundays ago when I went to Morning Star's Sunday service with two other sophomore girls from my hall, Rian and Hannah. In the bulletin were cards you could fill out indicating that you were interesting in helping with youth group. We all filled one out without realizing the other ones were filling them out. That was great, because I don't have a car and Hannah does. Plus it's helpful to have people you know accompany you in new situations. After our first experience with Wednesday's youth group, we all kinda felt the way I described earlier -- intimidated, really wanting to help, but not thinking we'd have time. But God worked it all of our hearts to bring us to the point where we realized that helping was what He had for us! It's crazy. And it gets rid of my excuse of not having a car!

And then there's my boy, my soon-to-be husband, my best friend, who God uses to blow me away every single day. He's decided that Africa is definitely on his heart, but not for this summer, because this summer he wants to spend by my side planning our wedding, going to dance lessons and marriage counseling and falling more in love. I definitely love love love that idea! He wants me to "get used to the idea of him always opening/closing my door for me." Jason wants to put  me second in everything (second to God). He loves me so selflessly and takes such good care of me. He called my roommate a couple weeks ago and asked her to deliver flowers to me, because he wants to be romantic and do special things for me even though he isn't here. Every morning he asks how he can pray for me, and we usually pray together at least once every day. We talk about deep theological things. We talk about being married. We talk about our weaknesses and encourage each other to grow. We support each other's dreams and desires. He makes me smile and laugh every day. Oh, and you should call him sometime just to hear is voicemail thing. Makes.my.heart.flip. My heart is bursting with love for and from him! God is so good! I'm so blessed!

Another one of the "negative" emotions on my bursting heart, is just knowing the painful stories of some of the girls in my life right now, girls from youth-group, my dorm, and my XC team. Life can be brutal. It breaks my heart sometimes. But on the positive side, I feel an overwhelming compassion for them and desire to embrace them and show Jesus to them.

My heart is bursting at the seams! It's overflowing with passion for God and for pursuing this life He has set out for me.

Opportunities. Dilemmas. Riot. Africa.

Sorry this is long, really long!
     Yesterday I went to the youth group (called Riot) at one of the local community churches (Morning Star) to check it out as a potential volunteer. They have a huge need for women to lead small groups for the freshman girls. I enjoyed it. I was also really challenged.
     Growing up I never liked growing to youth group because I couldn't find one that was deep enough to feed me spiritually and allow me to fit in at the same time. One would be too full of cliques and no one would talk to me (Yes it was my fault too, but it's hard when you're shy.) One would have way to many games and not get into the word very much. Etc.
     Well I love how this youth group is structured. The leaders met ahead of time and prayed for the night and prayed for many students/situations by name. They actually knew the kids and spent time investing in their lives! After the leader's meeting, it was time to mingle. The leaders mingled with the kids, catching up and checking in with the ones they knew and meeting the new ones. Hugs all around. Then they split up into grade levels (freshman, sophomore, etc) and within each group introduced all the new people and just talked for a few minutes. Everyone then joined together in the sanctuary for worship (amazing) and a message. After this, they were again split by grade, but this time into small groups of same-gender. There were two big groups of freshman girls so I shadowed the leader for one of them. In the small groups they didn't sit around and talk about "nothing" (aka the latest gossip) like I'd experienced at previous youth groups, they actually talked about specific questions pertaining to the message and how the message could be played out in their individual situations. It was good and got the girls to think. That was the night!
     I really want to be a small group leader for these freshmen girls because the need is great, I would have a lot to offer, and I think God has placed it on my heart for a reason. Yet I was challenged to readily jump into this position. I find several dilemmas holding me back. For one, high-school girls intimidate me. They're dramatic. They dress cute and "in-style." They're loud and excitable. I'm not any of that. I'm not very bubbly or outgoing. I have a hard time initiating conversations and connecting. So that scares me, to try to lead them. It would stretch me and take me out of my comfort zone.
     Also, I rushed straight from practice to the leaders meeting and didn't eat dinner or get back to Corban until 9:30pm. That means from 3:20-9:30pm my time is spent practicing and then at youth group, leaving very  little time for homework. And on Thursdays I have to wake up at 5:50am for morning workout, so I can't stay up super late doing homework. I'm scared to sacrifice that huge of a chunk of my homework time. I'm scared to give up control of that much of my night. But I think God wants me to. And I know, that if this is what He wants, He'll provide the time for my homework. Besides, cross-country will be done soon, I have from 7:30am-10:20am on Thursday mornings to do homework, and next semester my class schedule will be significantly more relaxed. But it still scares me. I like control.
   But this week I've also been challenged in different ways to surrender, live with open hands, and give up my control of things. I'm gonna be praying about this opportunity, but I think I already know the answer. I will step out in faith even when I cannot see. God is good.
     The other opportunity is not for me, but for Jason. He feels a tug on his heart to go to Africa for two weeks this June. I immediately feel two emotions- excitement and worry. Ok three, cause I also start to think about missing those two weeks of spending time together. I'm excited for him, really excited! This would be an amazing opportunity and I never want to say no to the things God calls him to. But I also worry. If Jason went to Africa, it would mean no summer job for him, because 2-3 weeks in May, 2 weeks in June, and 2 weeks in July isn't consistent enough for someone to hire him. So I worry about having money to support our first year of marriage. But I also know that if God really wanted Jason to go to Africa, He would provide for our needs financially and our needs would be met. Yet again, I'm scared to give up control, even though God would do a better job of handling things anyway. Already though we've seen God meeting our needs. Jason met a lady who has a small house in La Grange that she lets Frontier couples stay in rent-free. All they have to do is pay utilities. So that would mean saving $200ish a month and having our own place! We're still looking into it and trying to make sure it's available, but that would definitely help with the money issue! And Jason is going to start donating plasma again (which they raised the pay amount for!) and look for any odd jobs he can find. So it seems God is already at work! But you can pray about that decision too!

Anchor of My Soul

 Bear with me...this will be a long-ish post! The climax is the last paragraph, so you should at least read that! But to understand how I got to the last paragraph, you have to know the pieces that come before!

[Perrydayle Baptist Church; Romans 8:28-39]
- Refocus, don't lose heart. Rejoice, He wins! Relax, He's God!
- Romans 8:28 It's God who works; working for good. All things are not good, but all things are used for good. God doesn't trivialize the circumstances in our life. God works through all things, He brings them ultimately to a perfect end. It's God who figures out how to make all the pieces fit together for good.
- Sometimes it seems like God is crushing us. But we have to remember God is a coach who has victory in mind, and the pieces will result in that.
- Romans 8:29 His purposes focus on eternity- past (predestined, called), present (justified), and future (glorified).
- His ultimate good climaxes in perfection -- conformed in the image of Christ.
- Romans 8:31-32 His love withstands all assaults...it withstands all doubts...accusations...
- My life is surrounded by and protected and grounded in Christ. I'm good!
- When everything else fails - He is there. I am secure. He is moving me to a glorious end!
- We need depth and complexity to be made perfect. It takes some burning, some bitterness, and some sweetness. It will be perfect. We cant trust Him.

[Grace for the Moment devotional by Max Lucado]
- Don't panic. "Let us hold firmly to the hope that we have confessed, because we can trust God to do what He promised." Hebrews 10:23
- "Blessed are those who know there is only one God and have quit applying for the position."

["Desert Song" by Brooke Fraser]
"All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

[It Is Well With My Soul]
Horatio Spafford, a Chicago attorney, wrote this song after his only son died of fever, his properties in Chicago were burned by fire, and the rest of his children (3 daughters) tragically drowned. Yet through it all, he was able to say, "It is well with my soul," no matter what.

[Psalm 130:7]
"Hope in the Lord! For in the Lord there is steadfast love, and with Him is plentiful redemption!"

[Hall theme]
"Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness." Colossians 2:7

God has been showing me something spectacular these last couple of weeks and the lesson really embedded deeply into me last night. Each of the little notes above is a summary of the some of the different lessons God built upon and revealed to me. Between the sermon from Perrydale last Sunday, blurbs on the Christian radio, Grace for the Moment devos, the "Desert Song" in chapel, other verses, my hall's theme, and analyzing the hymn "It is Well" for my Bible Study Methods class, God has been showing me His faithfulness and my security and hope in Him. Regardless of the circumstances, I'm going to stop and say, "No, I'm not going to let this control me. It is well with my soul. My life is surrounded and protected and anchored and rooted in Christ. I'm good!" This will allow me to walk through a "desert" and still find peace and joy, because it won't come from me or earthly things, but from God. It will make my daily life more stable. It will make my relationship and (future) marriage with Jason stronger because I will not "freak out" about tiny things and be less likely to be shaken by the troubles of this world. God is my rock! When I trust in Him, I can know that it's gonna be ok!

God is GOOD! All the time!

God is always good. This year at Corban I have been blessed to room with my close friend Kate again, and our meeting two summers ago was definitely by God's hand. Our hall is full of freshmen (only one other returner except our RA) and they are all very friendly and we have a lot of fun. My RA is very sweet and fun too! He's given me a full load of classes that'll keep me very busy, but all of my professors are very fun and my classes are interesting! I will be very busy with homework too! He has given me a great job here at the gym - last night I got paid to watch a volleyball game (and keep score)! Even with being injured this summer, I'm still running with the top 5 girls here and should do just fine this cross-country season. I'm NOT playing basketball!! For cross-country we have three 6am workouts a week...so I should be in such great shape and stronger for my season (and wedding!!)! He has blessed me so much!

Being away from my fiance is always hard cause we miss each other, but as we stay centered on God all we do is grow closer and closer! And this is the LAST year we will have a long-distance relationship!! God is so good!

Speaking of my wonderful fiance...I'm so proud of him! He is out in Wyoming seeking and serving God with his whole heart, and really reaping the rewards of faithfulness. In LaGrange Wyoming, there is pretty much the college, a church, and a restaurant/convenience store. Most kids have to get jobs in Torrington or Cheyenne or Scotts Bluff which involves gas money, mileage on their car, and dangerous roads in the winter. Jason was hired on campus, which pays almost all of his tuition each month! Then God blew both of us away...Jason was hired at the restaurant across the street! No driving, no gas money!! He waits tables there and it's going great. But God didn't even stop there... Jason was looking for a church where he could get involved in the youth group and possibly help with worship too. There was one about 30 miles outside of town that needed help with youth and worship, so he was praying about it. He knew if God wanted him there, He would provide the gas money. Well, God answered Jason's prayer a different way. A man from the church across the street from Jason's school approached Jason and said that Jason had been recommended to help with the youth group and wanted to know if he would. So starting next Wednesday he's going to be working the youth...right across the street! Wow! God is so good! I'm so excited for Jase and this ministry opportunity. God has given him a huge gift and calling in this area! And I'm super excited to spend the rest of my life with him and serve the Lord together!

What Size is God?

Sunday night was a late night working on my budget with my dad when I came to realize I was making less money this summer than I thought and therefore I should've spent less this summer as well. I also got to thinking about only having a month to get back in shape for cross-country which makes me nervous. Very tired, stressed, worried and kinda bummed I opened my devotional (Grace for the Moment by Max Lucado) to the headline "What Size is God?" and the verse "God can do all things." (Matthew 19:26). Wow. God knew my very needs that night. To follow is the paragraph from the devotion. The last couple of days, if I start to worry or get stressed or discouraged about fiances or school or cross-country I've just tried to remind myself that God is BIG.

"Nature is God's workshop. The sky is His resume. The universe is His calling card. You want to know who God is? See what He has done. You want to know His power? Take a look at His creation. Curious about His strength? Pay a visit to His home address 1 Billion Starry Sky Avenue. He is untainted by the atmosphere of sin, unbridled by the time line of history, unhindered by the weariness of the body. What controls you doesn't control Him. What troubles You doesn't trouble Him. What fatigues You doesn't fatigue Him. Is an eagle disturbed by traffic? No, He rises above it. Is the whale perturbed by a hurricane? Of course not, he plunges beneath it. Is the lion flustered by the mouse standing directly in his way? No, he steps over it. How much more is God able to soar above, plunge beneath, and step over the troubles of the earth!"

After reading this paragraph again, I don't like exactly how it's worded because it makes it sound like God is so much better than our problems/troubles that He doesn't care about them, which is totally NOT the case, and I think the author would agree. We have a Great High Priest who sympathizes with us, who has gone through everything we ever will. We have a God who counts all our tears and hears even our groans and sighs. By trusting in Him, WE can rise above, plunge beneath, and step over the troubles of this earth and not be robbed of our joy or security in Him.

Greater Plans Than My Own...

My MRI results came back yesterday for my foot. I do not have a stress fracture, in fact I have very healthy bones! But I do have tendonitus, probably from running on my really bad shin splint for so long! That means the marathon is cancelled for my! I'm bummed about that, but it's best right now as I need to focus on getting healed and summer training for my fall season. My dad is still running though, and the race is this Sunday! Obviously God has greater plans in mind =)

You Can Have Me

If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me