"Don't leave me now...my memories are more than I can take tonight...

and God show me how I'm supposed to trust in things beyond my sight...so teach me how to kneel when I don't know how to feel and show me where You are...when my faith can't reach that far...

and tell me there is more to this life...then only what my heart can see...take all these fears and make them into more than who I used to be...is my soul to blind too see...the truth you have for me... cause this I feel inside...is too weak to survive...my heart has left me alone again...is this the beginning? Is this the end? Is this the time you'll never let me in again?"

"Reach That Far" by Eleventyseven

"Forever's never too long to wait..."

At 2:30 on Monday morning I got back from Mexico. I went with a team from Valley to the Foundation for His Ministry orphanage in Baja, Mexico. God really has been working my heart all year...breaking it and molding it and softening it. And He continued to do just that in Mexico. One experience I will share, is from the first night, at church. This Mexican girl in a walker came into the service late and sat next to me. Now, I have a really hard time reaching out to people I don't know...it's really out of my comfort zone... And it's even harder when they don't speak the same language. Sure, I know some Spanish, but basically I can only say "Hello my name is Lauren...what's your name?" and "How are you?" But I just prayed that God could give me the courage to reach out to her and provide a way for me to connect with her. As I scooted closer to her and gave her a smile, she grabbed my hand. I held her hand the entire 2 1/2 hour service! During a break in the service, I used my limited Spanish to talk to her. As soon as I used up my vocabulary, I assumed everything would be over, because we wouldn't be able to communicate anymore. But because I stepped out, God met me. The next words the girl spoke to me, were in English! She could speak English!

These verses really describe how God has been working in me. You probably won't understand exactly what they mean to me, or how He's using them in my life, but I wanted to post them anyway...

Romans 12:9,10 "Love must be sincere...Honor one another above yourselves." In the Message translation is says: "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle."

In brief, this verse is about me giving up myself. Its about being selfess. About putting God first. People second. Me last. Now, it goes a lot deeper than that, but its hard to explain...

2 Chronicles 20:15,17 "For the battle is not yours, but God's...you will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you."

To me, the battle being talked about here is the battles against the flesh. The battles that are hard to surrender. The battles against fear, doubt, worry, pride, selfishness, anger, control...etc. But I know I can give those up, because they're not my battles to fight. That doesn't mean I just sit back and watch God fight them. It means I give my all in the position He has for me and then He will take that and turn it into victory.

I changed my mind about fear. I was thinking about it more, and Taylor's idea about it sounds really good...but its super worldly... I need to just surrender my fears to Him, and trust Him, and therefore live without fear...all because of Him. If its in my control...theres fear. But if I give up myself and my control to God, then theres peace. Its not easy...I have to remind myself of it a lot. And I'm trying to make it a daily habit every morning......to completely give up "me" and give it over to God. And then...during the day...when fear and doubts creep in...I try to immediatly cry out to God. Sometimes its a huge battle. Actually a lot of times. Satan loves to use fear. And when I let fear creep in, it weakens me. But only when I completely surrender is there peace. Only when I completely surrender can I live fearless. I'm not very good at it. But one thing I know for sure, is that "I" can't do anthing. "Me" is giving up. I'm giving into Him.

Taylor Swift: "To me, fearless is no the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. It's fearless to say, "you're not sorry," and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Love is fearless."

God is sovereign...

He knows what He's doing...

and He's doing it...

"Life ain't always beautiful

Sometimes it's just plain hard

Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful

You think you're on your way

And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

No,life aint always beautiful

Tears will fall sometimes

Life aint always beautiful

But it's a beautiful ride"

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allen