Spring Break 2012 - Part 3: Conclusion

{continued from where I left off...part 1 and part 2}

Saturday night finished up with dinner at Lolo Creek Steakhouse and included a surprise "party" for Jason's birthday. After the steakhouse, it was my turn to share a devo with the girls. At this point, even after praying since Wednesday, I still hadn't been inspired with what to share. At least I thought... I was expecting to share your typical devo where you read a verse and talk about it, or you talk on a topic...you get the point. Saturday evening though I realized God was showing me what to share - He wanted me to confess. And to admit that I didn't have it all together. So I did. I told the girls about the week and about how I struggled. It was healing!

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" 2 Corinthians 12:9-10


When people ask how the trip went, I tell them it didn't go how I pictured or planned. But I'm so thankful it went the way it did, because God taught me a lot!

{The End...but I will try to post pics eventually!!}

Spring Break 2012 - Part 2: Uphill

{continuing from where I left off...}

The "uphill" climb of this week was never a huge or obvious breakthrough. It came in small ways, most of which I didn't even see until the weeks was over and I was reflecting. 

Starting Wednesday the girls and I did daily devos together. [Now, when I brought up the "devo" idea to the girls, I was dreading having to give one myself. And this is very unusual for me! Usually I love discipleship and sharing from the Word! But not this week. In fact, all week I prayed about what to share...and nothing came. This was all part of the spiritual "funk" I was in.] It was through prayer and devos led by these girls that the "spiritual light" in me began to get brighter. I couldn't do my own devos...but through them I could still be connected to God. The girls and I also prayed a lot, for all sorts of things. The spiritual fellowship I had with them really helped me.

Friday and Saturday were the highlights of the trip. By now I'm steady uphill, but still feeling shaky, as if anything could knock me back down. Jason and I are finally working as a team and being patient, loving, and understanding. 

On Friday we woke up "early" to play re-ball (like paintball) at City Life. That was a blast! Then the guys had to finish a project so us girls went and dropped "prayer bombs" in 5 places over Missoula. Prayer is so powerful, and so critical. Prayer, even when it's not about me or my "issues", inspire me and strengthens me spiritually! It was during our "prayer bombing" that we came across the 40 Days for Life campaign protesting abortion by prayer and had the neat opportunity to pray with them! Friday night we ran a 5k and then went to the movie October Baby - which I highly recommend!

Saturday was our street evangelism day. Our team met at the Break downtown and got off to a late start. But for God's timing, it was a perfect start! Jason and I were partners again. Even though we still weren't 100% spiritually or as a couple, we knew we needed to evangelize. We knew we couldn't "blow it" again. As walked down Higgins we passed by the first couple people without even saying a word. Street evangelism is so hard! But as we got down under the bridge, we prayed and approached a couple. We had a great, natural flowing conversation with them! We got to pray with them and talk about why they were in  Missoula and Jason got to do his rope illustration of sin and grace. They were already believers (of some sort) but it was still a pleasant and successful conversation. Walking away we felt a peace settle over us once more. By some apartments we found another couple out smoking. We walked up and I introduced us and asked if we could pray with them. Becky's face brightened, she really wanted someone to pray with and to encourage her! I sat down next to her and we prayed and talked for a while. She was so happy to have someone to talk about God with. Chris prayed with Jason. Then Jason shared the rope illustration with him, and Chris was "hooked".   Soon I overheard Jason praying again with Chris, this time because Chris wanted a personal relationship with Jesus. After talking together as a foursome, we ran to get my little NLT pocket Bible out of my trunk for Chris. And then we ran back to meet the team, because we were late and they were waiting! We were absolutely ecstatic that God used us, in our weakness, to lead someone to Christ and to encourage another believer!

{to be continued...}

Spring Break 2012 - Part 1: Downhill

Back in the fall, Jason felt like God wanted us to lead a small group (8 others) of students from Frontier to Missoula for a Spring Break Mission Trip. There would be Jason and I, plus 4 guys and 4 girls. The guys stayed at Jason's house in Florence and the girls stayed at my house in Missoula. Our team left Friday March 16 for mission trip that did not go at all how I would have planned or expected... Arriving in Missoula Saturday evening, our first project was scheduled for Sunday. Sunday was the start of things going downhill. I started struggling spiritually in a way I never had before. I knew I couldn't stop believing in God, so it wasn't that I doubted God that week, it was just that the spiritual "light" in me was really really dim. I felt spiritually numb. I couldn't really do a devo or pray, except to pray things like, "God what's going on? If there is any sin/barrier/etc please show me..." Sunday was the first day Jason and I struggled. There were a lot of new experiences for our marriage this week - staying at separate houses for 9 nights, only seeing each other around at least 8 other people, and having to lead something together for the first time. Sunday was when we started having needless conflict about...I don't even know! And usually we are pretty "careful" in our conflict, and try not to have conflict over nothing. But I found myself saying rude and hurtful things, even though I knew they wouldn't help. I found myself telling him, "I don't care anymore!" What?? Where did this come from?? We don't treat each other like that! But those couple days...we did! Sunday was also the day we showed up for our first project...and they didn't even know we were coming and already had something going on. Sunday was the start of a downhill week. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't be a leader or the wife I should be or the "Christian" I should be. Inside my head all I could hear was lies about who I was and it felt like a war going on in my heart....

{to be continued...}

2010 Cross Country Championships - Klamath Falls Oregon...and the preparation for it...

On Wednesday in my devotion, I was inspired with the verse Hebrews 12:1, "Let us run the race that is before us and never give up."


On Friday night, sitting on the hotel floor in Klamath Falls, my prayer was, "God please take my body that I feel is fat and slow and broken, and my mind that is weak and feeble, and make them into something beautiful for You. That's all I have God - my weak and insufficient self. It's my sacrifice for You - it's for You to have for Your glory. Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee. God I trust You. Blow me away."


On Saturday morning, during our pre-race warm up, my prayers/thoughts echoed the words of a Relient K song ("For the Moments I Feel Faint"). "I think I can't, I think I can't, but I think You can I think You can... Gather my insufficiencies and place them in Your hands..."


Now, I'm wrestling with being ok with my race and with understanding/accepting that everything happens for His glory and for His purpose. But I still wrestle with seeing His plan and purpose in all of this... I ran the slowest race of my season and possibly my career. I placed 7th on my team instead of in the top 5. I was beat by two girls who hadn't consistently run cross-country until this season, which was hard to take because cross-country has been "my thing" since my sophomore year in high school. (But I'm proud of them - they had amazing races!) My legs absolutely died. My calves were on fire. I wanted to collapse half way through. Yes, this is a very tough course will lots of hills and higher elevation. But no excuses. None of that should have happened. I thought I was so ready. I wrestle with defining "my best" when there is no quantitative proof, only subjective qualitative questions such as "well did you feel like your ran your hardest?" The thing is, I don't know. There's always the "what if I could've ran faster. What if I could've pushed more. What if..." Without the concrete evidence of a personal record time-wise, I don't know how to judge whether or not it was my best. Our team, which was ranked 6th coming into conference, placed 8th (out of 9 teams). Very discouraging. Very disappointing. A very tough way to end my collegiate cross-country career. I'm really unresolved about it. I don't understand why it ended so badly. It's hard to accept. But I must, somehow. Because it happened. And I need to let it change me for the better, somehow.


Even though I'm still wrestling with acceptance and almost cry every time I think about the race, I know God's plans are perfect. God's plans are greater. And that life goes on. New chapters, new "races" are ahead of me. In the immediate, athletic future, is my track season. Bring on the 5k and steeplechase. I will give my best. I will train hard this off-season. I will pursue breaking 20 minutes on the track in a 5k, even though I don't enjoy running 12 laps around a track. And in the metaphoric way, I will pursue this new "race" with Jason, as we enter into marriage in 265 days. Life goes on. A very good life. I'm so blessed!

Opportunities. Dilemmas. Riot. Africa.

Sorry this is long, really long!
     Yesterday I went to the youth group (called Riot) at one of the local community churches (Morning Star) to check it out as a potential volunteer. They have a huge need for women to lead small groups for the freshman girls. I enjoyed it. I was also really challenged.
     Growing up I never liked growing to youth group because I couldn't find one that was deep enough to feed me spiritually and allow me to fit in at the same time. One would be too full of cliques and no one would talk to me (Yes it was my fault too, but it's hard when you're shy.) One would have way to many games and not get into the word very much. Etc.
     Well I love how this youth group is structured. The leaders met ahead of time and prayed for the night and prayed for many students/situations by name. They actually knew the kids and spent time investing in their lives! After the leader's meeting, it was time to mingle. The leaders mingled with the kids, catching up and checking in with the ones they knew and meeting the new ones. Hugs all around. Then they split up into grade levels (freshman, sophomore, etc) and within each group introduced all the new people and just talked for a few minutes. Everyone then joined together in the sanctuary for worship (amazing) and a message. After this, they were again split by grade, but this time into small groups of same-gender. There were two big groups of freshman girls so I shadowed the leader for one of them. In the small groups they didn't sit around and talk about "nothing" (aka the latest gossip) like I'd experienced at previous youth groups, they actually talked about specific questions pertaining to the message and how the message could be played out in their individual situations. It was good and got the girls to think. That was the night!
     I really want to be a small group leader for these freshmen girls because the need is great, I would have a lot to offer, and I think God has placed it on my heart for a reason. Yet I was challenged to readily jump into this position. I find several dilemmas holding me back. For one, high-school girls intimidate me. They're dramatic. They dress cute and "in-style." They're loud and excitable. I'm not any of that. I'm not very bubbly or outgoing. I have a hard time initiating conversations and connecting. So that scares me, to try to lead them. It would stretch me and take me out of my comfort zone.
     Also, I rushed straight from practice to the leaders meeting and didn't eat dinner or get back to Corban until 9:30pm. That means from 3:20-9:30pm my time is spent practicing and then at youth group, leaving very  little time for homework. And on Thursdays I have to wake up at 5:50am for morning workout, so I can't stay up super late doing homework. I'm scared to sacrifice that huge of a chunk of my homework time. I'm scared to give up control of that much of my night. But I think God wants me to. And I know, that if this is what He wants, He'll provide the time for my homework. Besides, cross-country will be done soon, I have from 7:30am-10:20am on Thursday mornings to do homework, and next semester my class schedule will be significantly more relaxed. But it still scares me. I like control.
   But this week I've also been challenged in different ways to surrender, live with open hands, and give up my control of things. I'm gonna be praying about this opportunity, but I think I already know the answer. I will step out in faith even when I cannot see. God is good.
     The other opportunity is not for me, but for Jason. He feels a tug on his heart to go to Africa for two weeks this June. I immediately feel two emotions- excitement and worry. Ok three, cause I also start to think about missing those two weeks of spending time together. I'm excited for him, really excited! This would be an amazing opportunity and I never want to say no to the things God calls him to. But I also worry. If Jason went to Africa, it would mean no summer job for him, because 2-3 weeks in May, 2 weeks in June, and 2 weeks in July isn't consistent enough for someone to hire him. So I worry about having money to support our first year of marriage. But I also know that if God really wanted Jason to go to Africa, He would provide for our needs financially and our needs would be met. Yet again, I'm scared to give up control, even though God would do a better job of handling things anyway. Already though we've seen God meeting our needs. Jason met a lady who has a small house in La Grange that she lets Frontier couples stay in rent-free. All they have to do is pay utilities. So that would mean saving $200ish a month and having our own place! We're still looking into it and trying to make sure it's available, but that would definitely help with the money issue! And Jason is going to start donating plasma again (which they raised the pay amount for!) and look for any odd jobs he can find. So it seems God is already at work! But you can pray about that decision too!

Anchor of My Soul

 Bear with me...this will be a long-ish post! The climax is the last paragraph, so you should at least read that! But to understand how I got to the last paragraph, you have to know the pieces that come before!

[Perrydayle Baptist Church; Romans 8:28-39]
- Refocus, don't lose heart. Rejoice, He wins! Relax, He's God!
- Romans 8:28 It's God who works; working for good. All things are not good, but all things are used for good. God doesn't trivialize the circumstances in our life. God works through all things, He brings them ultimately to a perfect end. It's God who figures out how to make all the pieces fit together for good.
- Sometimes it seems like God is crushing us. But we have to remember God is a coach who has victory in mind, and the pieces will result in that.
- Romans 8:29 His purposes focus on eternity- past (predestined, called), present (justified), and future (glorified).
- His ultimate good climaxes in perfection -- conformed in the image of Christ.
- Romans 8:31-32 His love withstands all assaults...it withstands all doubts...accusations...
- My life is surrounded by and protected and grounded in Christ. I'm good!
- When everything else fails - He is there. I am secure. He is moving me to a glorious end!
- We need depth and complexity to be made perfect. It takes some burning, some bitterness, and some sweetness. It will be perfect. We cant trust Him.

[Grace for the Moment devotional by Max Lucado]
- Don't panic. "Let us hold firmly to the hope that we have confessed, because we can trust God to do what He promised." Hebrews 10:23
- "Blessed are those who know there is only one God and have quit applying for the position."

["Desert Song" by Brooke Fraser]
"All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

[It Is Well With My Soul]
Horatio Spafford, a Chicago attorney, wrote this song after his only son died of fever, his properties in Chicago were burned by fire, and the rest of his children (3 daughters) tragically drowned. Yet through it all, he was able to say, "It is well with my soul," no matter what.

[Psalm 130:7]
"Hope in the Lord! For in the Lord there is steadfast love, and with Him is plentiful redemption!"

[Hall theme]
"Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness." Colossians 2:7

God has been showing me something spectacular these last couple of weeks and the lesson really embedded deeply into me last night. Each of the little notes above is a summary of the some of the different lessons God built upon and revealed to me. Between the sermon from Perrydale last Sunday, blurbs on the Christian radio, Grace for the Moment devos, the "Desert Song" in chapel, other verses, my hall's theme, and analyzing the hymn "It is Well" for my Bible Study Methods class, God has been showing me His faithfulness and my security and hope in Him. Regardless of the circumstances, I'm going to stop and say, "No, I'm not going to let this control me. It is well with my soul. My life is surrounded and protected and anchored and rooted in Christ. I'm good!" This will allow me to walk through a "desert" and still find peace and joy, because it won't come from me or earthly things, but from God. It will make my daily life more stable. It will make my relationship and (future) marriage with Jason stronger because I will not "freak out" about tiny things and be less likely to be shaken by the troubles of this world. God is my rock! When I trust in Him, I can know that it's gonna be ok!

What I've Been Learning...con't...and final one

Jeremiah 32:39-41

"And I will give them one heart and one purpose: to worship me forever, for their own good and for the good of all their descendants. And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me. I will find joy in doing good for them..."

Roommates:
Kate and now also Katerina (aka: Sunshine) are the best roommates! Praise God! I am blessed! (side note, both of them have changed their hair since this picture =)




Facebook:

Facebook may seem necessary to survive life, but I am better off without it! I promise you, you don't need it!!


Winco:

GREAT for buying bulk candy!! Sour apple rings = $1.86 per pound! Also, when you need a study booster, they sell bulk chocolate covered coffee beans at a great price!!

Survey of Biblical Literature (Old Testament):



The tests are very narrow and the lectures and study guides are very broad. Bad combination.


Corban Warriors Basketball (JV):

* I'm thankful that I won't even get to sit on the varsity bench because it means I get more of a Christmas break with my family, beau, and friends!! And I rarely miss class!!

* God has me right where he wants me.

Skype...

Is GREAT for dates with Jason (especially when we do devotions!)...is GREAT for "seeing" my family (Josie especially gets really excited!)



US...

God is SO good! He has grown us so unbelievably much! We are more in love than ever before!! I've been learning to trust His perfect plans, and that He has marvelous things planned for us together! When it's the THREE of us...our love is perfect!

1 Tim 4:12 "Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity."

College 101: What Have I Been Learning?

Seeing as this is the last day of classes for the semester...WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I'd give you a glimpse of what I've been learning this year:


Speech Class:

"Speak boldly, speak without fear, speak knowing that God can use your words to minister to others." Professor Stephanie Staley



Anatomy & Physiology:

(this is for my Uncle Bob...even though he doesn't read this...he always talks about how "such and such isn't good for your pituitary gland" And one time we had a discussion about what it actually does and where it is...and we didn't really know...)

*The pituitary gland is an endocrine gland located in the head and is connected to the hypothalamus via the infindibulum stalk. It is divided into two parts, the anterior and posterior. The anterior produces and releases 7 hormones, (hGH, LH, TSH, FSH, PRL, ACTH, and MSH) and the posterior releases two hormones (OT and ADH). For the sake of not boring you further, I will not explain these hormones to you.

Evangelism:

"My life is in Your hands today God. Use me to point someone to You today. I promise to cooperate in anyway I can. If You want me to say a word for You today, I'll do that. If You want me to keep quiet but demonstrate love and servant hood, by Your Spirit's power I will. I'm fully available to You today, so guide me by Your Spirit." Bill Hybels, Just Walk Across the Room

American Thought & Culture:

Ambrose Bierce wrote the Devi's Dictionary, and here are some for the selections from it that I found amusing =)
* academy: a modern school where football is taught
* admiration: our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves
* bore: a person who talks when we wish him to listen
* fiddle: an instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat
* saint: a dead sinner, revised and edited



To Be Continued...