A Journal of Thanks

Because of several inspirational ideas I've heard over the years, I've decided to start an online journal (aka: blog) of thankfulness. Why? Let me tell you.

At the 2011 Women's Retreat hosted by Corban University, one of my professors did a break-out session on "Contentment." And I learned one of the main ways to stay content: be thankful. Count your blessings. She recommended keeping a journal each day of things that happened that you can be thankful for. Even after a really bad day it is good to find something positive, no matter how big or how small.

The mom of one of my best friends read the book One Thousand Gifts, and was inspired to record the gifts (blessings) that came each day. I have yet to read the book, but it's on my list.

The Bible asks us to be thankful, and to tell of God's wondrous deeds. Not only is this a journal of thankfulness, but each entry is a milestone to remind me of God's faithfulness and of how good my life really is.

The reason why the journal is online is simply because I can blog from my phone, which I always have with me, at any moment of any day. I don't have to keep track of a notebook or remember to get it out to write in. I use my phone for a lot of "notes to self" so this just seemed the easiest.

This blog post is going to be my only promotion of my online gratitude journal, because I don't want to "brag." You are more than welcome to follow my gratitude journal and read it, especially if it inspires thanksgiving in your heart.

The blog can be found here. Check it out if you wish! And maybe this will inspire you to reflect on the blessings in your life.

Spontaneous

If someone, like your husband, gave you $25 to spend on whatever you want, what would you spend it on? I was going to buy a coffee then save the rest until after Christmas. Buuuuttt the spontaneous bug bit me! I really should back up to the beginning though.

Normally I work Tuesday through Saturday. But this week they needed me to work Monday so I worked a half day Monday and a half day Wednesday. Let me tell you, those afternoons off were well spent and thoroughly enjoyed! Both Monday and today I packed my running shoes, kindle, Bible, and lunch, and headed for a nearby park after work. I went on my run with my latest running partner:

Meet Pepper Spray! I'm not totally sure it's actually that dangerous out, especially when I avoid sketchy areas, run in the daylight, and run in populated areas, but running with Pepper Spray is better than running by myself!

After my run I sat in the sunshine and read my kindle while I ate my lunch, and then I read my Bible. That is one thing I love about Vegas - this fall weather is not unbearably hot like the summer, but warm enough that I can wear running shorts and soak up the sun! I then proceeded to my favorite Vegas coffee shop, MadHouse Coffee! It's got some amazing drinks. And it's local! Last time I tried the blended Nutella Mocha. MMMMM. This time I fell for the blended Red Velvet Mocha. And again, it was delicious. 

After sitting and reading again while soaking up more sun and enjoying my Red Velvet, I was going to head home. Buuut here is where the spontaneous bug bit me. I drove past a way cool park and a tiny farmer's market! I actually drove completely past it then turned around because I decided to stop! I'm glad I did. There were probably 18 vendors, but they were all very friendly and offered delicious samples with no obligations. I tried turkey jerky, teriyaki beef jerky, homemade hummus, a strawberry, and two samples of kettle corn. I ended up spending the rest of my $25 on this:

Ya that's right. I spent my gift money on homemade hummus, a ring, and brussels sprouts! Yes I might be crazy, but this spontaneous afternoon made my day :) The only thing that would have made this afternoon better would have been if my husband had enjoyed these activities with me...

November Update

Hello All!
I still don’t think I’m used to the idea of living in Las Vegas... It helps that the city
has tall, jagged red things they call mountains that border the northwest, west, and
southwest sides and sorta remind me of home. Sometimes the sunsets can compete
with those of Missoula, but not often. It’s definitely nice to have three Costcos, a
dozen Walmarts and Smiths, and multiple other grocery stores like Fresh & Easy or
Trader Joes all within 10 minutes of practically any location in the city. Not to mention
almost every restaurant you’ve ever heard of, especially In-and-Out!! And while I
don’t think this place will ever feel like “home,” I am happy to be where God has called
us and feel blessed to be here!
It also doesn’t seem real that Thanksgiving is a week away. It hardly feels
like it could be close to Thanksgiving when the you can’t see your breath outside,
there’s no frost on your windshield, there’s no crunchy, colorful leaves on the
ground (or in the trees), and there’s little need for comfy sweaters, scarves, or
boots. I was happy this last week when the temperature dropped to 40 degrees and
I had to pull out a sweatshirt! It has also been nice to finally turn off the AC and fans.
These first three months we have had our fair share of challenges but none
that could not be used by God of course. We both have felt spiritually weak and God
has been working both of us through some issues. It seems that ministry often goes
hand in hand with spiritual attack, and that is why we beg you to pray for us daily.
We need to be covered by the protection and power of God so that our weaknesses
will be made strong by Him and our ministry won’t be lessened.
Even though there have been some challenges, the blessings have
outweighed them. We are blessed by the church and church family. Las Vegas Bible
Church is very doctrinally sound and solid. It is small, about 30 people, but they
are all God fearing families and we feel so blessed to surround ourselves with such
people. The pastor, Nathan, his wife, Tara, and his kids Emmory and Caedmon,
pour so much of themselves into the church. At least three nights a week you will
find us at the pastor’s house. Sunday is one of those times, starting with youth
group at 4pm and ending with cinnamon rolls, ministry team prayer, and games.
Wednesday you will find us there again for “midweek study” led by Pastor Nathan.
He is teaching about “How to be a Spiritual Believer,” aka “How to Walk By the Spirit.”
That is a highlight of our week and definitely a topic we are eager to learn more
about! Nathan is a gifted teacher and preacher, we feel so blessed to learn from him.
Usually we find ourselves at there house on at least one other night for dinner and
games. We are so thankful for their fellowship!
Jason is filling some needed ministry positions in the church. On Sunday
mornings he leads worship with the team of high school students. And then he
teaches high school Sunday school. Right now he is teaching through Judges. I know
God has used many of those Sunday school times to minister to my heart. Once a
week Jason meets with Pastor Nathan as well. And he even gets to preach and lead
communion occasionally!
We both love our jobs, which is a blessing. Jason is in player services at Golf
Galaxy. He is one of the top salesmen in the nation for them! I work in as an aide in
the rehabilitation department at Las Vegas Veterinary Specialty Center. Basically
what we do in that department is animal physical therapy. I am praying about
possibly continuing school to become a physical therapy assistant and maybe even
taking that into canine rehabilitation. Both of us have found opportunities to build
connections with unbelievers in the workplace and are excited to see how God will
grow those seeds. Between our jobs and the generous support of people like you,
we have no financial stress right now, and feel so blessed by that.
It is also a blessing to go on this journey together. I don’t know what I’d do
without Jason to encourage me, provide for us, and challenge me to grow. Knowing
we are not alone on this journey, that we have God, each other, and you, makes the
journey easier. Thanks for joining us.
Don’t forget to check out our our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/
groups/373567389358068/) or my blog http://koemanslife.blogspot.com/ to stay in
touch on a weekly basis!

Love,
Jason & Lauren


Prayer Requests:
* Please pray that our marriage would be strong and centered on God.
* Please pray that we would hunger and thirst for God and continue to grow.
* Please pray that Las Vegas Bible Church would be able to find a permanent home. (They have been renting a building for the last 5 years and feel God calling them to purchase a building of their own.)
* Please pray for opportunities for us and others in the church to build relationships with unbelievers in order to plant seeds of the gospel in their lives.
* Please pray for growth in the church, both in numbers and spiritually.
* Please praise God that we love our jobs and the church.
* Please praise God that we have a comfortable place to live.
* Please praise God that He is faithful to provide.
* Please praise God that He is not finished with us yet.

Lyrics Say It Better

"I don't know how I got to where I am... All I know is I wanna go back to the moment I fell in love with grace, and hear You whisper, 'Hang on hang on I know your hope seems gone. Hang on hang on sometimes the heartache makes you strong...'"

"Jesus take this heart that feels so cold again and make it new. I hold this hope inside that You'll never leave me... All I want is for Your love to hold me..."

"Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing. You will find your way if you keep believing."

"When you are grounded by your doubt, when you're surrounded and there is no other way out, I will be all that you need and I'm here for the asking. Let Me be your everything... Look at all that I will bring in exchange for what you have; let Me be your everything."

"You said You'd never leave or forsake me. Then You said this life is gonna shake me. Then You said this world is gonna be trouble to my soul. This i know; when everything falls apart Your arms hold me together. When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart."

"I've never felt so torn before; seems I don't know where to start. But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain from every fingertip washing away my pain. I still believe in Your faithfulness...even when I don't see I still believe."

"Please be my strength cause I don't have anymore."

"You stay the same through the ages... Your love never changes.... You make, all things, work together for my good."

"Whatever You're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos, but I believe that You're up to something bigger than me."

Being a Christian

Lately I have been wrestling with "being a Christian." I know...I'm probably not supposed to do that. But I've been wrestling with the while idea of being a "good" Christian and tired of failing to be a "good" Christian and almost wondering if being a "Christian" was right for me cause it didn't seem "to work." After a Facebook chat with Kate , talking with Jason, and finding hope in words heard during Sunday school and in worship music, plus being able to pray again, I decided that I need to be a Christian. But this is the kind of Christian I want to be:

Cry Of My Heart

Lately things inside my heart haven't been so smooth. Things inside my head have been discouraging and tearing me down. I have been failing. I was sharing these thoughts with a friend, and this is the prayer she replied with.

Father,
We cry out for your hand of mercy to heal us. We are weak and we need your love to free us. You are our rock, our strength in weakness. Rescue us. You are our hope and Your promises NEVER fail us. Our desire is to follow You forever. You are so good to us. Forgive us everyday we wake up and aren't blown away by the incredible expanse that is Your love. Our names are written on Your hand and we thank you for this. You are the greatest EVER! May you forgive us for our imperfections, our lack of faith, and our doubts. We thank you for loving us through them, and for remaining faithful even when we don't deserve it. You are Almighty God and we offer up our hearts to you as living sacrifices. Thank you for your perfect peace.

Help us to love you in spite of our human incapacity to understand your perfect love.

Take it all, Lord.

Amen.

Memory Bank #2 - Overwhelmed With God's Blessings

Although I still wrestle with not worrying about our financial situation and not having jobs, God has been soo good (of course!) and I know that He will be faithful to provide, because He has been faithful in the past. I have been overwhelmed this summer with an overflow of God's blessing, and I don't ever want to forget that! Plus I want to proclaim God's goodness.

We saw God provide in incredible ways this summer. At the beginning of August we had car trouble with both Jason's Honda and my Ford. Using local, trusted mechanics that my family had gone to for years, we got both taken care of and God provided all the money to cover the $700 of repairs. Then only a week before we moved to Vegas my car was having more issues - it was leaking antifreeze. Our local family mechanics were unavailable, but a family friend in the auto-shop repair business referred me to Dave at Reynold's Radiator. Come to find out, Dave was an old family friend on Jason's side of the family and I received several more very positive referrals to him after my car was already there. He went above and beyond to get the repair taken care of for a very affordable price. He even changed the oil (although they do not normally do that) and while my car was there noticed another problem with the AC but was able to refer that to a mechanic to fix that too. My car was well taken care of by a web of trustworthy mechanics God put in our life and God provided extra money to cover the repairs again.

I love getting an iced americano or iced coffee drink. Since we were trying to spend as little as possible this summer I tried to limit my indulging in coffee drinks. But I had awesome friends like Kylie who would make me a latte after morning Oula workouts and like Mel  and Heidi (also my sister) who would surprise me with coffee at work or take me on a coffee date! They have no clue how much that blessed me! Plus I was able to get several free drinks through coupons, etc.

Our familes, both Cross & Moseley,always go above and beyond to bless us with encouragement, financial assistance, love, and support. They are the best!

Through the generous blessings of our support team, the amount of our rent is covered in monthly donations!

We got the exact apartment we were hoping for at an affordable rate! Our apartment is such a blessing!

The Florence Carlton Community Church blessed Jason with an internship opportunity and really opened their arms to welcome us in to their church. They people of that church are so giving! And Jason's internship was a valuable learning experience.

I was blessed by working for my dad again at Missoula Vet Clinic all summer. Jason was able to get a lot of odd jobs and caddy at the Stockfarm plus be paid for his internship. God really provided opportunities for us to get money.

Once we moved to Las Vegas God kept blowing us away with blessings! Upon move in the Reichert family and Dan was here to help unload and Bethanie and Daryl came with snacks and drinks to unpack. The Reicherts and Thompsons also gave us small, handy things that were very necessary for starting up such as toilet paper, paper towels, dishwasher detergent, hand soap, a frozen casserole, banana bread, water bottles, etc. We felt so blessed by their thoughtfulness!

God is so good and He is so faithful. We are eagerly waiting to see Him continue to provide financially and with jobs!

You're Going Where?

You may have heard rumors about us moving to Las Vegas. Yep, it's true! Jason and Lauren Koemans are moving to Las Vegas, Nevada. Don't worry, I didn't expect that either. Here's how it happened:

Frontier School of the Bible is a three year program to receive an associate's degree. For a bachelor's degree students have the option of doing a 9-12 month internship anywhere as a "fourth" year. As Jason moved towards the end of his third year at FSB, we began to pray about an internship opportunity. Both of us felt like we would be willing to go anywhere. Well I know now that I should have been more clear with God, haha.

A church in Byron Center, MI, had caught our attention early in the year. Michigan had always been a place I was drawn to because my grandparents live there. The head pastor of the church had taught one of the lecture weeks at FSB and the youth pastor was the son of FSB's dean of students. Jason and the pastor had spoken and the pastor had told him to stay in touch. He seemed like the ideal pastor to intern under. We tried contacting the church and pursuing an internship, but they were hard to get a hold of and slow to contact us. By April we began to feel like we were trying to force ourselves into a position that wasn't open, and we began to feel pressure to find an internship before graduation in May.

Shortly after that Jason came home from class and told me his teacher had shared with them about a church, Las Vegas Bible Church, that really could use an intern to help with the youth and music ministry. As he told me, I thought to myself, "Oh, that's nice. I'm sure God will provide someone for that internship but there's no way it's for us." But I was soon to be proven wrong.

On facebook a few days later we got a message from a FSB grad that Jason had worked in youth ministry with. He said, 

Hey Jason,  dude I miss ya. I know this is totally random, but I just need to put a little bug in your ear so my conscience leaves me alone. I have no clue what you're planning on doing after graduation, you probably already have things lined up for internships or whatever. HOWEVER, may I simply throw your way something to pray about. Pastor Nathan Reichert and Las Vegas Bible Church need a person/couple with a big heart for youth (which I've seen in you first-hand) and giftedness in music...

Needless to say after reading that I was hooked. More like God had hooked me and I knew even though I would have never picked Vegas, He picked it for us. So we began to pursue the internship at Las Vegas Bible Church and the doors just kept opening wider and wider!

As of August 27th we will be living in Las Vegas for at least a year! Jason with be doing a pastoral internship under Nathan and will oversee the youth and music ministries. We are praying that we can both get jobs soon and we are praising God for the faithful team we have behind us - all of our rent is covered by monthly support and all of our ministry and lives are covered by prayer. God is good!

End of Chapter One

Here we are already a week into chapter 2 of forever! It's amazing how time flies and how many things can happen in one year! Our first year of marriage looked like this:

Wedding Day -- July 30, 2011

We thoroughly enjoyed our wedding day! It was so special and for the most part exactly what we wanted!

Honeymoon -- Maui!

We played mini-golf on a glow-in-the-dark course! That was fun!

And more mini golf at a beautiful tropical course!

 Can't beat watching Hawaiian sunsets!

And it was super fun to grill on the rooftop!

We also got to visit an aquarium, shop, eat out, relax, take surfing lessons, and snorkel at Molokini. Jason planned our destination, what a great surprise!

Livin in LaGrange, WY -- August 2011 - May 2012

We were in La Grange WY because Jason was completing his last year of at Frontier School of the Bible. I worked in Nebraska (90 miles round trip) at a vet clinic during our time here. He graduated May 11! It was so good to finally not be long distance for college and to experience it all together!

Our first Christmas as Mr. & Mrs...some spent in Montana and some in Michigan.

In March we led a missions group from Frontier School of the Bible -- serving the lost and our fellow believers in Missoula.

In April there was Jason's senior banquet...

And also in April a mini-getaway to Westminster CO!

While there Jason ran his first major 5k race and I ran a half-marathon with my friend Jilanne. 

We also enjoyed a day of shopping and playing (including mini-golf again!)

Our first Easter as Mr. & Mrs...

And our first visit as Mr. & Mrs. to Las Vegas, NV, our soon-to-be home!

Our first half-marathon together! 

The Missoula Half-marathon on July 8, 2012.

And our second half marathon together...only 13 days after the first! 

The Buffalo Run in St. Ignatius on July 17, 2012.

Our first year of marriage has been wonderful. Not perfect, not without lessons and learning, but still wonderful. In some ways marriage has been different than I expected, mostly because of naive misconceptions about the reality of marriage. Overall though, marriage has been better than I expected! I absolutely love being married to Jason Paul Koemans!

"For better or for worse are so much more than only words...and I pray every day will be the proof that I mean what I say when I say, 'I do'"

The Last Best Place

Montana will always be home. And Montana will always take my breath away. God sure created some beautiful country here!

Check For Murderer

 

For those of you who fall into the above category (not gonna lie, that's me sometimes), you would appreciate  the downstairs bathroom of my parent's house:

Yes, that's right. There is a bb gun behind the towel in that bathroom, just in case you need to protect yourself from the murderer behind the curtain.

JUST KIDDING! Well sorta. There IS a bb gun there, but that's not the reason why. The reason why is Josie. Josie is obsessed with shooting the bb gun because she is TWELVE.

You see, for Josie age is defined by what you get to do, and a lot of it is based off what her siblings did at certain ages. For example, she believes that when you turn 20 you get married, because that's what I did. While she was still 11 she was praying with my dad one night. She prayed something along the lines of, "God, thank you that when I turn 12 I get to shoot a gun and kill people and kill animals." My dad immediately stopped her and said, "Josie, you never shoot people, only animals." And since then she has learned what to shoot and what not to shoot. (You can blame the "shoot people" desire on watching Westerns). Now that she is 12, she really enjoys marching into the yard with the bb(less) gun to "shoot" at birds. She just so happened to leave the gun on the bathroom floor, and now it is hanging out on the towel rack.

On the Inside

Sometimes it looks like I have everything all together, but allow me to let you in on a little secret - I don't. Don't be fooled by how it looks on the outside. I don't try to be fake but sometimes it's just easier not to bring up what goes on inside my head. The secret is: I am insecure.

I change my outfit multiple times, hoping each time that the next outfit will make me look pretty.

I stare hard into the mirror, hoping that I am thin, fit, and beautiful.

I wonder if I'm a good wife.

I don't feel like I'm the woman of God I should be.

I feel very inadequate.

Don't blame my husband, he doesn't do anything to make me feel less beautiful or to feel like less of a wife.

Where these insecurities come from, I'm not sure. But I need help to overcome the lies and rise above myself and instead to fix my eyes on Jesus.

I don't write this to get your sympathy or compliments. I write this to be honest. I want you to see inside my head. I want you to know that I don't have it all together.

Roll with the Punches

There's been a lot of that lately - just rolling with the punches... Or the other way I like to look at it is - there's nothing God can't handle.

This week, and especially Saturday, was one of those "just roll with it" kinda weeks. Early in the week we suddenly found out some interesting information from the managers at our wedding location. There were new fees, policies, and they seemed less than excited about the number (165) of our guest list, when previously they had seemed welcoming and willing. Um, hello!! 16 before the wedding is NOT a good time to surprise us! My mom and I were pretty anxious, but I was trying to just roll with it. We feared they were getting "cold feet" and might close the doors completely...but we tried not to think about it. My dad called, they didn't answer or call back. My dad emailed, they didn't email back. Then on Thursday night at 10pm, they finally called back. It was a quick phone call. He said everything was great, nothing was changed, everything was a go. WHAT?! How could it go from being so bad to perfectly fine?? I'm still not even sure, but I do know that nothing happens that God can't handle!

Then on Saturday I was supposed to get my nails done at 8am, run errands and go to the bank at 10am, get my hair done from 11-12, and be at my bridal photo shoot by 1pm. I get to the clinic, where Britten was gonna do my nails, and Heidi is also working as the second receptionist. Well the first receptionist is suddenly very sick and has to go to the hospital, leaving Heidi alone. I tried to pitch in a bit, but I had places to be, so I couldn't stay long. The clinic doesn't close till 12 on Saturdays, and Heidi was supposed to help me get ready for the photo shoot. Now being the only one, chances were slim she'd get out in time to help. On my way back to get my hair done I get a phone call from them moving my appointment back 15 minutes. So I just pop over to help Heidi again at the clinic. I also call and move my photo shoot back 30 mins because I know there is no way we will now get there one time. I finally head to get my hair done, and then go back to the clinic to help Heidi finish up. We scramble to go as fast as we can, rush home, lace up my dress and get in the car, already late for my moved back photo shoot. I put my make-up on in the car! Thankfully my photographer is gracious and the weather also cooperated (the hour and a half of my photo shoot was the nicest weather all day!) I had a blast, felt so pretty, and really felt like a "bride." Although a lot of things happened that day that could have been extremely stressful, I was telling Heidi how you have to stay positive and "just roll with it," since the only thing you can control is your reaction or attitude to circumstances. I actually enjoyed the day, even though it was crazy!

I'm thankful to God for being in control and for already blessing our marriage. I'm thankful to Heidi for being tough and rocking the receptionist roll AND the maid of honor roll! I'm thankful to Britten for doing my nails...they look so awesome! I'm thankful to Krista for doing my hair...her suggestions and adaptations made my "bride look" better than I ever pictured! And I'm thankful to Jess and Booba for the fun time taking pictures!

Less than two more weeks!!!

Half Empty or Half Full?

I'd like to look at this situation as half-empty, especially since my tank is empty. Well it was last night anyway. In fact, if I'd have written this post last night like I planned, it definitely would have been hard to be half-full. But now, after a night of rest and recovery and encouragement from my friends, I can be half full. So here it is:

The good news -


I ran the farthest I've ever run! 3 hours and 5 minutes! A rough estimate of 20 miles!

The bad news -

It was stinkin hard. Stinking hard. My body aches so bad today. It makes me question whether or not I can run 6 more miles. My dad is also faster than me. Ya. Faster. That's hard to swallow... :)

So anyway. I was pretty discouraged about the run...and being totally exhausted mentally and physically, I was empty and wanted to look at the situation in a pessimistic way. But I think I'll be optimistic, because you know what? I'm still alive. And I'll only have to run it once.

Thank you God, for giving me legs to run!

Good Things.

Even when there's stressful things and tough things... I can still confidently say this:

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord, may I never forget the good things He does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagles..." Psalm 103:1-5

This whole Psalm is soooo good! I think it just might be my favorite =)

Lord, help me to always remember the good things You've done for me. Open my eyes to see "good things" in each and every day. They're always there, because You ONLY give good things. I just need help seeing them sometimes, especially on really "bad" days. I'm so thankful for the good things You've given me. You've spoiled me, given me way more than I deserve! Thank you for my great running buddies and friends here at Corban, Mel, Courtney, Christi, and Amy. Thank you for my family. Thank you for Jason. Thank you for the really pretty cherry blossom trees! Thank you for this successful track season! Thank you for life. You are so good. Help me to say that regardless of the day or season of my life.

Rearrange.

If you see the prayer in the post below, you might wonder what exactly made the prayer have such an impact that it was blog-worthy. Well you see, my goal this semester was to pour more of myself into fewer things. At the beginning of the semester I began praying for God's direction in which classes to take or not to take and which Bible studies to attend or not attend.

I ended up dropping a class and now am taking only 15 credits, but 2 come from athletic classes that don't involve any homework. I chose to attend my hall Bible study, and nothing else. On top of that I still have Riot, which is the youth group I'm a small group leader at and it meets Wednesday and Sunday. I have my attempts at cultivating a community and friendship within my hall. I also have my job at the gym, which is 5 hours every Tuesday. And I have track which is 11x a week. And I'm planning a wedding.

Looking at that list, you might think, "Lauren, that doesn't look like 'few' things to me." Oh believe me, it's few compared to what I usually do. And I had a great handle on things for the first two weeks. God had really refreshed my attitude, as you might remember from attempted recap in this post. I had time.

Then the homework load hit full force. Wedding planning brings easy distraction. Track leaves me exhausted. Finances are always a pressure, as money seems to disappear faster than I can make it! The newest coach on our team who had given me great hopes and expectations for steeplechase, suddenly quit. Each day brought other minor stresses that I stopped being able to handle with strength.

I spend every minute of my day running (literally), doing homework, and filling any gaps with wedding "planning" (aka: looking at wedding blogs). My time with God was becoming less and less, leaving me vulnerable for the attack of Satan. Oh I was still very good at praying, but hardly ever for myself. I was praying a lot though for the girls in my hall, the girls in my youth group, Jason, my best friends, my family, and the unsaved close to me. But rarely for the true, deep needs of my soul or for my own burdens.

This overload-within-my-attempt-at-minimizing my commitments was wearing me very thin. This overload was the reason I felt the need to post these lyrics. Lack of sleep because of 6am practice 4xs a week made it worse. Little time with God made it worse.

Smack in the middle of this overload, came yet another request for ministry. My RD (resident director) Jen emailed me this:

"I have a freshman who needs to move to a different room. She has anxiety issues and would prefer not to live alone but her current situation isn’t a good fit for her. I’d like an upperclassmen…and you all have your own rooms. I’m hoping to decide this tonight. I’m also hoping that God would lay it on one of your hearts to be open to this opportunity. I’ll probably come try to find you to talk with you..."

I kinda thought about it but didn't even pray about it because I figured one of the other two upperclassmen girls would say yes. But when I met with Jen the next day, I found out the other two had said no right off the bat. It was left to me now. Jen and I talked and I talked with my dad and Jen and I talked some more. Then I spent some time praying (and crying) and went to practice.... {pause}

Everything in me wanted to say no. I loved having my own room for so many reasons. It had been really good for me to have my own room. I wasn't ready to share this space again. I was already overloaded and stressed I didn't want to add another thing.

On top of that, I didn't know this girl at all. She lives upstairs in my own dorm, but I didn't even recognize her name. It'd be easier to consider rooming with her if I knew her and could say, "Ya, I think our personalities would work, I'll try this." or "No, there's no way we could get along. I can't add this to my ministry and work right now." But I didn't even know her.

But I had the other half of my heart, the half God had captivated with the idea of ministry and outreach and grace and compassion. The half that loves to tackle any challenge and wants to be invincible. This half of my heart wouldn't let me just say no. So I didn't say anything. It can be so hard to decide what ministry to take and what to leave behind. I joked with Jen that God needed to send me a text and then I prayed (and cried) and went to practice, hoping I wouldn't ever have to say yes.

{press play} On the way back from practice I got my text from God, well actually it was from Jen. It said she was 90% sure this girl needed to be with me and that she was asking me to step up. My heart dropped. God why do you have to make me do hard things?! Why did you make me a nice person?! (JK) But I knew I had to do it.

I met her last night. I don't think it'll be as hard as I originally thought (granted I was prepared for the worst). It won't be like rooming with Kate, a lifetime best friend. And it'll take work and adjustment. I'll have to rearrange a lot of things... She's moving in this weekend sometime. I'm anxious and slightly overwhelmed. But I'm going to tackle it and the rest of my overwhelmed life.

Actually all that, above, was just the background for the real reason I'm blogging past midnight when I should be sleeping. Besides the fact that I just needed to get all that off my chest and written down, it's also to say I'm doing more than rearranging my room. I'm rearranging my priorities. Look at this sentence: "But I'm going to tackle it." I'm going to spend from now until Spring Break rewriting that sentence until it looks like this: "God is going to work through me to tackle it."

That's precisely where the true meaning for the title, "Rearrange," comes in. I was thinking about my time and how I don't have much of it. I was thinking about what I need to do with that little time. I was thinking about how I waste that little time and thus don't get to do some of the most important things I should be doing. So I'm rearranging my priorities.

Priority Number One: God. Spending time with God and loving God and being loved by God.

Priority Number Two: Homework and track.

Priority Number Three: Relationships.

Priority Number Four: REAL wedding planning. Productive wedding planning. Not eating up time on wedding blogs.

Obviously this list isn't set in stone. There are times when I have to use good judgement and put relationships above homework and track, especially when it comes to Jason, my family, and best friends. Also, as a disclaimer, Jesus is my number One and Jason is my number Two.

In order to accomplish this, I need to eliminate some distractions and unproductive uses of my limited time, which means, until Spring Break, you will not hear from me on this blog. I'm eliminating all non-school related internet, with the exception of:

- Kate T's and Kate G's blog (because they are out of the country and that is one of the ways I maintain relationship with them, as we can't text/call)

- specific wedding projects, in their proper timing

Again, my purpose in this is to spend more quality time with God, with the relationships He has put in my life, with my homework, and with track.

I will see you all in March!

Psalm 142:2-3 (NLT) "I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path."

A special note to finally conclude this book post: I am so thankful for the community God has put me in and the ways He supports and refreshes me. Jason has been trying so hard to learn the best ways to love and encourage me when I am stretched to the point of breaking. He's the one who receives the worst side of me amidst all this, yet he just tries to learn to love me more. And Heidi. She is wise. I love my sister and I love that we can encourage each other! My mom does so much to help with wedding planning...if I had to do everything she's worked on plus what I already do...I don't even want to go there! My dad prays for me daily and offers sound advice. There are countless other little ways within each day God uses to refresh me. A recovery run with my track girlies where we laugh and share our stories. An encouragement note in my mailbox. Someone who wants to pray over me. Countless ways. God is always speaking and working, even if I'm not hearing and seeing Him, until I look back or make the time to look and listen.

Bridal Boot Camp!!

I am even getting paid to go through this bridal boot camp! Here's what week 2 (aka this week) should end up looking like (as long as I estimated correctly, coaches don't change their mind, and there are no injuries, no inclement weather, and the rapture doesn't happen):

Track: running every Tues, Thurs, Fri morning at 6:15 plus running every day (afternoon) of the week, Sunday-Saturday. I should accumulate approximately 44 miles.

Pilates: every Monday and Wednesday for 45 minutes. (although she unfortunately canceled class this Monday)

Morning weights: every Wednesday at 6:15am for 1 hour. Technically I need to find a way to lift weights two more times, and still do homework, and still sleep, and still run 10 times a week, and still do pilates twice. I'm still working on fitting those two more times in!

In the words of my track teammate Christi, "This will be an exciting week! We will either die or be beasts!"

Bring on the boot camp!

PS: you can pray that my body will hold up and that I'll be able to use my time efficiently in order to maximize Jesus time, homework time, and sleep time! Thanks!

To Love and To Choose

There were many titles for this post bouncing around in my head.  "Deja Vu"..."The Worst Road Trip Ever"..."I Think I Can I Think I Can"..."I Think I Can't"...

Then chapel yesterday really changed my mind. It was a dedication chapel and we were challenged to think about something God has been putting on our hearts and then dedicate this semester to pursuing it. I immediately knew one big thing, it's something I heard at church on Sunday: "Don't try to be good. Just fall in love with God." I am such a doer. I always have lists and goals and things I need to do to be good. Don't get me wrong, I love God. But I tend to be too much of a Martha. Ever since I heard those words on Sunday they stuck with me, and they're really freeing actually! How much "easier" is it to fall in love than it is to "be good"?! So I'm going to stop trying and stop doing and I'm simply going to fall in love. Love. Simply love. Simply be loved. Be filled. Not do. Be.

The other dedication I made was to choose. The idea that my attitude/response is my choice regardless of the external circumstances has come up a lot lately. Our Saving Your Marriage books said, "Choose your attitude by changing your self-talk." The next chapter was about choosing to view things in their best light. So I have decided to choose happiness. To choose to see things in their best light. To chose the benefit of the doubt. To choose thankfulness. To choose to trust God. 

To love and to choose, that is my dedication.

These weren't easy decisions to come to. Everything in me wanted to be lonely. To complain. To feel inadequate. To do things. To be there (July 30, 2011) not here. I was not looking forward to any more time away from Jason. I tried to pep-talk myself with "I Think I Can I Think I Can", but then that turned into "I Think I Can't." I was missing him so much and I didn't want to admit that I should be looking forward to conquering this last semester apart!! Being reminded that my self-talk will choose my attitude, I tried to turn those thoughts around. I knew I'd only be more miserable if I didn't choose happiness and choose to see things in the best light.

I was not looking forward to the loneliness I'd be faced with, because not only am I away from Jason and my family, but my roommate is in Germany so I have my own room, all my close friends life off campus, and our hall is not very close. The "Deja Vu" title was because I feel like a freshman again - not knowing anyone and having to make friends. I was not looking forward to trying to make new/more friends because I'm not good at it. But God showed up. One of my "little sisters" in the hall left me an encouraging note. A few other girls wanted me to go to lunch at our dining hall with them. At dinner I was prepared to sit alone but then another girl invited me to sit with her. One of my off-campus friends, Courtney, was able to come here and we went running. Another off-campus friend, Mel, came by quick to say hi. I wanted to be stubborn and stay lonely. I wanted my friends, not new friends. But I had to admit, God showed up and met my loneliness.

My road trip here was one of those trips where you couldn't sleep the night before, were exhausted and sleepy driving 9 hours, and where everything took longer than it should have. But guess what? God showed up. After taking two hours to get from the outskirts of Portland in rush-hour traffic to Corie's house, she said I could just spend the night! So instead of getting back to Corban and facing the lonely-flu (I already had the symptoms), I got to spend the night with her talking and watching the Bachelor.

So I've made this dedication to love and to choose. Hold me to it. Evaluate my posts and if needed, remind me to choose to view things in the best light. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to experience and enjoy in my time right here and now. There are exciting classes for me to take that will prepare me for being a certified personal trainer. There are the girls at youth group that I'm leading and discipling (that's a whole other post...that's where I feel inadequate sometimes). There are my close friends to go visit at their houses/apartments. There are new/more friends to make. There are challenges and ways to grow. There is my track season. There is so much here for me right now. Jason and I can grow and fall more in love. I can spend even more time with God. 

I want to soak it all up and live with no regrets. I only get each day once.

Year In Review

What a blessed year! It's so great to see God's hand at work! 


Highlights of the year: Getting engaged to Jason Paul Koemans!! Watching Josie grow up! Seeing Heidi play basketball as a senior! My brother and his nerdiness. Running with my dad! Wedding planning with my mom. Bonding with my roommate Kate!


Resolutions for the new year: Live with no regrets! Love Jesus more! Run more. Cook more. Love selflessly!

What Josie Says.

Here is my conversation with Josie last night:


Josie: "Lauren, do you love Jason?"
Lauren: "Yes Josie I love him very much."
Josie: "Are you gonna marry him? He be the husband you be the wife?"
Lauren: "Yes Josie I'm gonna marry him."
Josie (with much concern and thought in her voice): "Lauren, who am I gonna marry when I grow up?"
Lauren: "Well Josie I don't know, but you have a lot of time to think about it."
(Pause)
Josie (very excited): "Oh Lauren I know I know! I marry Nathan! He be the husband!"


And here is what Josie said tonight, "Lauren, Jason's your best." She's got things figured out!