Rearrange.

If you see the prayer in the post below, you might wonder what exactly made the prayer have such an impact that it was blog-worthy. Well you see, my goal this semester was to pour more of myself into fewer things. At the beginning of the semester I began praying for God's direction in which classes to take or not to take and which Bible studies to attend or not attend.

I ended up dropping a class and now am taking only 15 credits, but 2 come from athletic classes that don't involve any homework. I chose to attend my hall Bible study, and nothing else. On top of that I still have Riot, which is the youth group I'm a small group leader at and it meets Wednesday and Sunday. I have my attempts at cultivating a community and friendship within my hall. I also have my job at the gym, which is 5 hours every Tuesday. And I have track which is 11x a week. And I'm planning a wedding.

Looking at that list, you might think, "Lauren, that doesn't look like 'few' things to me." Oh believe me, it's few compared to what I usually do. And I had a great handle on things for the first two weeks. God had really refreshed my attitude, as you might remember from attempted recap in this post. I had time.

Then the homework load hit full force. Wedding planning brings easy distraction. Track leaves me exhausted. Finances are always a pressure, as money seems to disappear faster than I can make it! The newest coach on our team who had given me great hopes and expectations for steeplechase, suddenly quit. Each day brought other minor stresses that I stopped being able to handle with strength.

I spend every minute of my day running (literally), doing homework, and filling any gaps with wedding "planning" (aka: looking at wedding blogs). My time with God was becoming less and less, leaving me vulnerable for the attack of Satan. Oh I was still very good at praying, but hardly ever for myself. I was praying a lot though for the girls in my hall, the girls in my youth group, Jason, my best friends, my family, and the unsaved close to me. But rarely for the true, deep needs of my soul or for my own burdens.

This overload-within-my-attempt-at-minimizing my commitments was wearing me very thin. This overload was the reason I felt the need to post these lyrics. Lack of sleep because of 6am practice 4xs a week made it worse. Little time with God made it worse.

Smack in the middle of this overload, came yet another request for ministry. My RD (resident director) Jen emailed me this:

"I have a freshman who needs to move to a different room. She has anxiety issues and would prefer not to live alone but her current situation isn’t a good fit for her. I’d like an upperclassmen…and you all have your own rooms. I’m hoping to decide this tonight. I’m also hoping that God would lay it on one of your hearts to be open to this opportunity. I’ll probably come try to find you to talk with you..."

I kinda thought about it but didn't even pray about it because I figured one of the other two upperclassmen girls would say yes. But when I met with Jen the next day, I found out the other two had said no right off the bat. It was left to me now. Jen and I talked and I talked with my dad and Jen and I talked some more. Then I spent some time praying (and crying) and went to practice.... {pause}

Everything in me wanted to say no. I loved having my own room for so many reasons. It had been really good for me to have my own room. I wasn't ready to share this space again. I was already overloaded and stressed I didn't want to add another thing.

On top of that, I didn't know this girl at all. She lives upstairs in my own dorm, but I didn't even recognize her name. It'd be easier to consider rooming with her if I knew her and could say, "Ya, I think our personalities would work, I'll try this." or "No, there's no way we could get along. I can't add this to my ministry and work right now." But I didn't even know her.

But I had the other half of my heart, the half God had captivated with the idea of ministry and outreach and grace and compassion. The half that loves to tackle any challenge and wants to be invincible. This half of my heart wouldn't let me just say no. So I didn't say anything. It can be so hard to decide what ministry to take and what to leave behind. I joked with Jen that God needed to send me a text and then I prayed (and cried) and went to practice, hoping I wouldn't ever have to say yes.

{press play} On the way back from practice I got my text from God, well actually it was from Jen. It said she was 90% sure this girl needed to be with me and that she was asking me to step up. My heart dropped. God why do you have to make me do hard things?! Why did you make me a nice person?! (JK) But I knew I had to do it.

I met her last night. I don't think it'll be as hard as I originally thought (granted I was prepared for the worst). It won't be like rooming with Kate, a lifetime best friend. And it'll take work and adjustment. I'll have to rearrange a lot of things... She's moving in this weekend sometime. I'm anxious and slightly overwhelmed. But I'm going to tackle it and the rest of my overwhelmed life.

Actually all that, above, was just the background for the real reason I'm blogging past midnight when I should be sleeping. Besides the fact that I just needed to get all that off my chest and written down, it's also to say I'm doing more than rearranging my room. I'm rearranging my priorities. Look at this sentence: "But I'm going to tackle it." I'm going to spend from now until Spring Break rewriting that sentence until it looks like this: "God is going to work through me to tackle it."

That's precisely where the true meaning for the title, "Rearrange," comes in. I was thinking about my time and how I don't have much of it. I was thinking about what I need to do with that little time. I was thinking about how I waste that little time and thus don't get to do some of the most important things I should be doing. So I'm rearranging my priorities.

Priority Number One: God. Spending time with God and loving God and being loved by God.

Priority Number Two: Homework and track.

Priority Number Three: Relationships.

Priority Number Four: REAL wedding planning. Productive wedding planning. Not eating up time on wedding blogs.

Obviously this list isn't set in stone. There are times when I have to use good judgement and put relationships above homework and track, especially when it comes to Jason, my family, and best friends. Also, as a disclaimer, Jesus is my number One and Jason is my number Two.

In order to accomplish this, I need to eliminate some distractions and unproductive uses of my limited time, which means, until Spring Break, you will not hear from me on this blog. I'm eliminating all non-school related internet, with the exception of:

- Kate T's and Kate G's blog (because they are out of the country and that is one of the ways I maintain relationship with them, as we can't text/call)

- specific wedding projects, in their proper timing

Again, my purpose in this is to spend more quality time with God, with the relationships He has put in my life, with my homework, and with track.

I will see you all in March!

Psalm 142:2-3 (NLT) "I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path."

A special note to finally conclude this book post: I am so thankful for the community God has put me in and the ways He supports and refreshes me. Jason has been trying so hard to learn the best ways to love and encourage me when I am stretched to the point of breaking. He's the one who receives the worst side of me amidst all this, yet he just tries to learn to love me more. And Heidi. She is wise. I love my sister and I love that we can encourage each other! My mom does so much to help with wedding planning...if I had to do everything she's worked on plus what I already do...I don't even want to go there! My dad prays for me daily and offers sound advice. There are countless other little ways within each day God uses to refresh me. A recovery run with my track girlies where we laugh and share our stories. An encouragement note in my mailbox. Someone who wants to pray over me. Countless ways. God is always speaking and working, even if I'm not hearing and seeing Him, until I look back or make the time to look and listen.